Opinion

The Fourth Arena: Carry-on cartography

Things are changing in Kent County as West Warwick demands nominative equity from its larger neighbor to the east. “Why should we be the diminutive, the one separate?” asked Ivan Clotheshanger, president of the West Warwick Foundation (WWF). “Warwick should drop the pretension and become East Warwick. It only makes sense.” 

However, the Citizens of Warwick Syndicate (COWS) disagree. “West Warwick separated from Warwick during the Farmer Rebellion in 1913 – it was they who decided to forsake connections to the likes of Iggy’s and the mighty TF Green. This move is galling and preposterous.” 

In a bid to mitigate the row, everyone’s buddy and poodle-haired Governor, Dan “The Dude” McKee, stepped in with his solution to the crisis.  

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“Warwick will henceforth be known as South Cranston. Cranston will be divided into North Cranston and East Cranston, with the western portion of the city consumed by Crompton, which will be extended by several miles. West Warwick will also cease to exist, being renamed Skeevyton in recognition of its services to the social welfare of the state. Bald Hill will also become an incorporated city in its own right.” 

Cartographers are scrambling to update maps and distribute them among the wild people in the far west of Kent County, but fear the population’s summer migrations to seasonal campsites might mean that the news will remain unknown in that part of the state until early fall.  

D-Rat! 

A Cranston woman has been charged with violating a city ordinance against feeding rats. It is not known how her connection with the Republican party began, but neighbors began to complain after observing Chris Christy getting stuck in dumpsters while diving for scraps. According to witnesses, it took several hours for local police officers to shift the former governor of New Jersey, who eventually scuttled off and took shelter beneath a moldy tarp.  

Animal control reports that they have the situation somewhat managed in the state’s second largest city, but are still unable to control the spread of rats to Capitol Hill.  

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