From 2016 – 2020 Motif hosted a satire column named “Alternative Facts,” a title we enjoyed because it both lampooned a favorite phrase of that administration and because it paid homage to our own journalistic roots as “Alternative News,” a description that has fallen by the historical wayside. On occasion, we received considerable blowback on social media from folks who didn’t know what satire was and felt misled because they took our jokes as fact. This column is satire. Taking it seriously is about as smart as drinking bleach to cure your COVID. But maybe you’ll find some smartness in it. Deep down. Like, way below the words.
During Squids Ink, our Bidenera satire, there was still plenty to lambaste. Our Squid actually retired their tentacles because the weight of the negative news was disproportionately emotionally overwhelming. With nine tentacles and a deep sea trench to repose in, they now while away their days doom-scrolling. So, Motif tries to foster equal-opportunity satirists, but for four years, jokes about grandpa taking naps during speeches, were about as juicy as it got. On the other extreme, during Alternative Facts, we struggled to satirize events where the truth was already so far into comedy it was hard to tell fact from fiction.
So, allow us to introduce a revamped satire column for the latest administration. Not sure what we’ll poke fun at – maybe we won’t find any material! Could happen. We will also be consulting with “Common Sense,” the stage name for a psychic working out of South County, whom the president recently consulted – CS is the one who told him minorities would be crashing US military helicopters. We’re excited about this collaboration with otherworldly powers from a higher plane.
But this issue, let’s talk about the barrage of threatening memos anyone working for the government has been receiving. Among the new directives, employees were required to return to in-person work if they’d been doing any remote work. In the same message, many were encouraged to quit if they did not feel comfortable with a new “performance culture.” This is mixed messaging on the level of dating a schizophrenic – “Come back! Go away! But come back! Except you should go.” Perfect for Valentine’s Day. That’s nothing compared to the Valentine’s dumping anyone working in DEI is experiencing. Temporary furloughs for all DEI consultants and employees are almost certain to become permanent, but the language used by administrators sounds like a creative collab between McCarthy and Orwell. The following was leaked to us, and we have not altered or satirized it:
“If you are aware of a change in any contract description or personnel position since November 5, 2024 to obscure the connection between the contract and DEIA or similar ideologies, please report all facts and circumstances to DEIAtruth@opm. gov within 10 days. There will be no adverse consequences for timely reporting this information. However, failure to report this information within 10 days may result in adverse consequences. Thank you for your attention to this important matter.”
Quibble if you like with the grammar or the categorization of DEI(A) as an ideology at odds with America. But there is no missing the established authoritarian philosophy: “Rat out your colleagues, or we’re coming for YOU.” It is, unfortunately, a time-proven technique for widespread intimidation so familiar in other regimes. And soon to become a standard in ours.
In the words of “51/50” Pete Hegseth, “Because we take it for granted, we are about to lose civilization as we know it.” Well darn, let’s see if this column can do anything about that. •
This is satire. The opinions herein are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of Motif or any other Motif writers. And if you’re really angry, take it up with the AI we’ll blame for writing this if someone armed comes after us.
