Shit My Bishop Says
Roll over Jesus. There’s a new messiah on mundi. The true Messiah was born on April 1, 1948, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He alone holds the keys to the kingdom of Heaven with a big brain full of his Christian alt facts. Known by many names, His earthly name of Thomas Joseph Tobin (or T-Money to his various boomer disciples), the reigning Bishop of Providence recently went a step further in His most holy quest of saying, “Well, actually” to the world at large. Instead of at poor young choir boys or Planned Parenthood, Bishop Tobin took a shot at A-1: the Pope himself.
In the gospel according to Thomas Tobin, the Tobin is always right. In regular, old-time Christian religion, it has been universally acknowledged that the same individual was also Christ’s representative on earth, and that when the Pope talks, he is talking as a conduit of the Lord. But since it has come to light that Christ is a fraud, and that Tobin is the true Son of God, this also means the Pope is nothing more than a lying charlatan. In fact, when His (Un) Holiness in the Vatican proclaimed last week that homosexuals should also have romantic rights acknowledged by the Church (yuck!), our T-Money Messiah was quick to pronounce the ways as contradictory, and a liberal plot to elect Joe BIden and usher in a new age of darkness.
Last week, the Atlantic Shark Institute (ASI) reported that two great white sharks were detected off the coast of Rhode Island during October. While rumors of the massive predators have circled in the Ocean State for years, this is the first confirmed identification so close to home. In an official release, the ASI commented that, “We are certainly excited by the news. However, seeing the year we’ve had, we’re raising the probability rating of our Sharknado forecast much higher than usual.”
According to local wires, both Amica and Roger Corman-wannabe filmmakers everywhere greeted the new forecast with thunderous applause.
Presidential Debates: What They Really Mean
As we all recover from this year’s Presidential Squabbling Match, Alt-Facts has followed up with clarifying quotes on what the candidates meant when they were talking over each other.
“White supremacy is the ultimate example of evolution, fact. That’s a fact. That’s a fact. The people love the science behind that, don’t we, folks? But it is also a lie, evolution. Evolution is a big, fat lie. Evolution was invented by blue states to get you to accept soft drinks with the straws.“ – Donald Trump
“I like Black people, and Black people like me. Look at me America, look down the camera, do you see someone who likes Black people? Yes, you do.” – Boe R. Jiden
On Foreign Policy
“We have great relations with Alaska, great. The best. Alaskans love me. Love me. I am maybe their favorite person. Who knows?” – Donald Trump
“The world is our friend, and we need to get back to leading it. For too long has Donald Trump ruined our reputation, even your regular milquetoast Americans are starting to notice our rampant imperialism abroad. To quote Spiderman, who is my friend: The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum – even encourage the more critical and dissident views. That gives people the sense that there’s free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate.” – Joe Biden
On the Pandemic
“I’m back because I am a perfect physical specimen and I’m extremely young, and so I am lucky in that way.”– Donald Trump
“EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE! Unless you vote blue. Look down the lens, America, YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!” – Joe Biden
On Climate Change
“It was 75 last week in October. How could climate change be real? We’re getting this beautiful weather all the time, and we love it, don’t we, folks? How is the planet suffering from rising sea levels when there’s a drought every summer?” – Donald Trump
“In my hometown of Scranton, children are being born with gills, like in Aquaman. People of Scranton, look at me. Do you want your children being born with gills? No? Then, vote for me on November 23rd.” – Joe Biden