AltFacts: Thanks All Around!: The Vatican steps in (it) and aliens continue their search for intelligent life

Modern Gender Theory

The Vatican announced recently that what it refers to as “modern gender theory” is, in essence, the entire problem with everything on the planet. Which is helpful, because I could have sworn that the guilty parties were Nazis, dickheads and the PawSox baseball team (traitors), rather than people with their own ideas on gender. Granted, the church hasn’t had a very strong history in understanding matters not readily apparent in the physical form (apart from God, which they are still convinced exists), but if someone with a penis feels more comfortable identifying as a woman because that makes them feel better in their own head … so what? Leave them alone, you unimaginative, 2D, befrocked, penguin-impersonating shower of paedos! It’s none of your fecking business. (Note, “paedo” is the root word for children, not “pedo.” Leave those foot fetishists alone.)

California Goes Crazy (Oh, AND Aliens)

In the latest move aimed at giving the corpse of Ronald Reagan an aneurism, California has announced it will provide illegal immigrants with Medicare (provided their income is suitably low to fall within the conventional brackets … let’s not get too crazy here). Demonstrating a radical new leftist notion tentatively referred to as “basic human decency,” the Nation of Pelosi is sticking it to the Big House by supporting those who might just need a smidgen of support. Moments later, angry white men everywhere started shouting about how this imposes on their freedom, Jesus and guns, usually on Facebook while taking a shit in a Walmart bathroom. But this is good, because on a planet far from here, the evil dictator Fughtopinz has decided all this is too crazy even for him, and so called off his planned invasion of Earth … thanks racists (I guess?)

Thanks Donald!

The USA Women’s soccer team earned a thrilling 13 – 0 victory over Thailand in last week’s World Cup, ensuring they proceed to the knockout stages. Ever the magnanimous leader, president Donald “I Know All About Balls” Trump called the team to wish them his heartiest congratulations. Handily, our spy in the White House leaked a transcript of the conversation, and it makes for interesting reading:

“Well done, girls. You’ve shown the communist Asians a thing or two about sporting prowess. I should know. I have the sportingist prowess of all the sporting prowessists out there. I also appreciate that you dedicated the victory to me, scoring a goal per inch of my magnificent gentleman sausage. Which is HUUUGE, don’t worry. My hands may be tiny, but that is the Lord’s way of ensuring I can be delicate when touching lady gardens. Speaking of which, if you win the baseball tournament, come to the capital. We’ll put on an after dark pool party like you’ve never seen. Never seen.”

Our source suggests that McDonald’s has been tapped to cater the event, but Allan Fung waits in the wings, just in case he is presented with another chance to suck up to his ginger-skinned master.