Everything You Wanted to Know About the Electorate (But Were Afraid to Ask)
Doomers: “I didn’t vote because Rhode Island was going blue anyway. You want to make a difference? Move to Florida, man. And I can’t do that.”
Republican Voters of Any Age: “I enjoy setting fire to other people’s pets. And you can’t stop me because it’s protected by Jesus and the Second Amendment. I also wish my penis was a little bit bigger.”
Brethren of Bernard Sanders: “If we all write ‘Bernie’ on the ballot, the glorious Leader will win by an historic landslide, and the Socialist Republic of Vermont will roll forth across the land! Now let us all sing, Hail, Hail, Hallelujah, Bernie is Lord and create effigies of Him from maple syrup and moose hair.”
Retired Republican voters: “Wait a minute… Young people want a future after I’m dead? Can’t have that!”
Bidenites: “It’s going to be hip and cool. Black people will have their thing, the housewife will be happy and have some rights and things, gays will be cool with being gay, and all that jazz. You know?”
Trumpites: “There is one truth. There is one light. There are three terms. Maybe more, who knows, we deserve it, that’s all we’re saying. Maybe he’ll serve three and anoint Donald Jr., which is fair, fair. Stepping down and providing a successor. Uber thoughtful. JKF didn’t do that, think about it.”
RBG Dies… Thoughts from the Disillusioned (And Possibly Very Drunk)
In classic alt news fashion in the wake of a tragedy, the Cowboy gathers the thoughts of politicos at the bottom of their fifth bourbon following the passing of “notoriously not alive” RBG.
“The Republicans will just push through whatever batshit Federalist Society MFer who gets hard taking dumps on poor people and anyone with skin darker than alabaster.”
“An absolute rogue nation, a failed state. An overbaked pie that looked great when it went into the oven, but came out burnt, on fire, and now no amount of ice cream can fix it.”
“She should have resigned when Obama was in power… she knew she was old, and a Republican successor was likely. RBG is the ultimate example of taking Deal or No Deal one step too far.”
“Well, the GOP will focus on her replacement for a while. That will take the heat off making the post office a sworn enemy of the state and allowing mail ballots to slip through… I can’t believe I’m saying these words.”
Remember to vote in November. Thanks.
Shadow Economies Return Product
Across the world, fake American passports are being returned to their counterfeiters en masse. “We are no longer satisfied with the arrangement,” explained one former buyer. “An American passport can’t even get you out of New Jersey these days, never mind Vladvostock.” Another frequent flyer complained, “There’s more profit to be made in selling Americans toilet paper and hand sanitizer than trading the worthless USD.”
The news has been welcomed in DC. “It shows we’re number one in the world at being a failure, and when America is number one, we’re all greater as a result.” Crowds cheered “USA! USA! USA” and then blithely dumpster dove for their next meal.
Stalingrad, Soviet Union, March 2nd, 1953 — Comrade Stalin has taken intense criticism for use of gulags for families coming across the board and the way he handed the recent bouts of Spanish Flu. Stalin has been holding massive rallies denying the existence of Spanish Flu, decrying it as an American plot to undermine Soviet economic supremacy and the progress of the five year plan. Reports have steadily come in that the General Secretary of the Communist Party has caught a bout of the Spanish Flu from a “superspreader” event last week commemorating the latest nominee to the Politburo.
Comrade Stalin has voluntarily checked into Walterski Reedsitzki Memorial Gulag under intense supervision, assuring the public through a series of bizarre newsreels that while he has a confirmed Spanish Flu diagnosis he is quoted: “Going welI, I think! Thank you to all. LOVE!!!”
First Comrade Lady Mrs. Stalin is staying home in the dacha, reporting only mild symptoms of the Spanish Flu. Mrs. Stalin just before Comrade Stalin’s confirmed flu diagnosis was the subject of scandal just the day before, when newsreel The March of Time revealed secret recordings of conversations with the First Comrade Lady. Mrs Stalin’s statements included hating having to decorate for October Revolution Day and disparaging fallen veterans of the Great Patriotic War.