AltFacts: Oh, Yeezus! If that’s a smart cookie, we’d hate to see a stupid one

Kanye West: Voice of Reason

Forget the sage observations of the Dali Lama and the resolute reassurances of free world leader Angela Merkel. To hell with anything said by Voltaire, bugger Aristotle and put a sock in Buffy Sainte-Marie’s pie hole, for their prattling is mere jibber-jabber and a malicious distraction from the prophetic gift of wisdom bestowed upon us by Lord Golden Shower, the hallowed, the sanctified, the sagacious, (the downright sexy) Kanye West, long may his tongue tickle us with grace. Midway through writing the fifth Gospel of Testament Trump (around lunchtime on October 11), the self-styled Jesu2 descended upon the humble Oval Office to bestow his teachings about the state of the planet. Not only did he explain that his MAGA* hat makes him feel like a superhero, but that we should also focus our economic efforts on making the, “dopest … no the ‘flyest’ cars.” Which is cool, because the president seemed to agree with Lord West, commenting that, “He can speak for me anytime he wants. He’s been a great guy, he’s a smart cookie, smart. He gets it.” Sources close to the top tell us that Boeing has already been told to make its dope float, and that Batman is considering holding a conference with Lord West to learn how to do shit properly. And yes, some of this actually happened. At this point its up to you to decide what is satire and what is real life (because I no longer can).

*Myopic Arsehole Grabbing Association

R.eally A.wesome P.leasurable E.xperiences

It’s been coming for a while, but this month we learned once and for all that R.eally A.wesome P.leasurable E.xperiences are among the fundamental rights of the patriarchy, and that consent is the preserve of those wielding the power, not being subjected to it. President Trump confirmed as much when he dubbed the Ford-Kavanaugh hearing a hoax before going home and reattaching Melania to the kitchen with a 12-pound chain. In other news, it is estimated that one in eight women in Rhode Island is the victim of sexual assault, there are currently 5,646 Native American women registered as missing in the National Crime Information Center database (many of whom are likely to have been the victim of sexual assault and, ultimately, murder) and 98% of  women who survive sexual assault experience PTSD … but they’re all liars, too. Right, Mr. President?

A Loada Hot Air Part Two

Scientists keep on lying. On October 1, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPC) released a seditious report on the environment, petitioning global economies to accelerate toward the eradication of fossil fuels at a pace even the most liberal of snowflake alarmists would find excessive. Alongside ridiculous suggestions such as planting more trees and assuming individual responsibility through freedom-restricting antisocial dictates (including using washing lines rather than tumble driers and eating less meat), the report also claims that global emissions of CO2 need to decline by 45% from 2010 levels by 2030. To counter these hysterical falsehoods, consider these reassuring truths from our current president (and keep on eating those double-stacked cheeseburgers in the name of Samuel Colt):

• “The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make US manufacturing non-competitive.”
• “I’m not supposed to be using hair spray. But think of it. So, Obama’s always talking about the global warming, that global warming is our biggest and most dangerous problem, okay?”
• “We should be focused on magnificently clean and healthy air and not distracted by the expensive hoax that is global warming!”
• “It’s freezing and snowing in New York — we need global warming!”
• “Just out – the polar ice caps are at an all-time high, the polar bear population has never been stronger. Where the hell is global warming?”

See? Nothing to worry about.

In the next edition of Motif: “How to Bury Your Head in the Sand in the Face of Overwhelming Evidence to the Contrary.”

Haley 2024

In an unexpectedly treasonous turn of events, (former) Trump loyalist and ambassador to the UN, Nikki Haley, has announced her resignation from the White House Dream Team. Although she claims to still stand by our Commander in Chief, insider sources have revealed a sinister plot suggesting that Haley plans to ride the coattails of the president’s soon-to-be glorious second term in order to mount her own challenge in 2024. Although Mr. Trump is expected to win that battle  and then surge onto 2028, Haley is nevertheless rumored to be gearing up for an all-out offensive on the Caesarian model so many of us are hoping to see. To counter the feminist insurgency, recently nominated Supreme Court Justice Brett “I Didn’t Do Anything Wrong” Kavanaugh has announced plans to extend the powers of Patriot Act to include all-out dictatorship, should the threat of a democratic challenge raise its ugly head. The only hurdle that remains is for biology nerds to develop the powers of everlasting life so the president can remain on the throne for eternity. The latest news is that Elon Musk, Kanye West and Voldemort have been seen trying to combine their wizard powers on Mount Crumpit, but nothing has come of it as yet.