In the most Trump-like piece of Trumpfoolery to date, the president said he would be “proud” to shut down the government if congress doesn’t provide the money he claims is needed to build a wall with Mexico. Wait a minute, what? Is this the same dude who got his national security knickers in a twist over a refugee caravan just last week? Help the American people understand, Mr. President; if we are facing “an invasion” from “criminals and unknown Middle Easterners,” surely closing down the government is tantamount to falling asleep in the face of an army of Nazis? What is it, Mr. President — a real danger, or are you just being a stable genius again?
I mean, if Trump is so into Mexican erections, why doesn’t he go to Tijuana and visit a gigolo? And if he’s so into closing things these days (borders, governments, Stormy Daniels’ legs), why not go a step further and shut his face as well? – NC
H2NO!
Archangel and Divine Leader Donald J. Trump has unveiled a plan to roll back protections on clean water regulations. In a move orchestrated by Budweiser to encourage the nation to drink more beer, the president announced that the Clean Water Act would no longer apply to “features that only contain water during or in response to rainfall.” These include groundwater, ditches, converted cropland, stormwater control and waste treatment systems. Sounds like a dream come true! But environmentalists – who just keep standing in the way of progress – claim the changes could “endanger” the country’s drinking water. Paranoid hippies!
Acting EPA Administrator Andrew Wheeler explained that the new rule will give landowners the ability to stand on their property and determine for themselves what is federal water without having to hire outside professionals, which means we are finally able to throw off the shackles of big government and do what we want to the environment. That is the American way!
But context is important, so we went to Flint, Michigan, for their take on all this, but they were all dead. Bloody Commies… – GMcT
Party’s Off!
Donald Trump has reportedly cancelled the annual White House Christmas party for members of the press. While the traditional gathering has been hosted by presidents for decades, Mr. Trump’s decision should be seen as an act of inclusion. Last year’s Christmas party saw a number of African-American and LGBTQ reporters left off the guest list for the first time in years. This year, the message is one of equality: You’re all bastards, and I’m going to go play with my Legos alone. Neh neh neh neh neh! – NC
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