AltFacts: Kicking and Screaming: The adults in the room continue to ride out the presidential tantrum

Pt 1: Going Bye Bye

There’s yet another controversy in the White House as the president stormed out of a meeting designed to reverse the ongoing government shutdown. Wearing the latest in presidential diapers, the Little Emperor-in-Chief threw a tantrum when his babysitters, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, stuck by their refusal to allow him to sit up past his bedtime and watch X-rated reruns of “Baywatch” (oh, and receive the funds to build a wall along the southern border). According to sources close to the shitshow, before exiting the Oval Daycare, the president slammed his fist on his jungle gym, tugged on his scrotum and made sure that 500,000 people continue to go without pay because he isn’t happy that he isn’t allowed to eat ice cream after 8pm. – NC

Pt: 2 Donald Hood and His Merry Men

…having said all that, you gotta hand it to Donald Trump. I mean, really. The man is a genius. Remember that election campaign promise that Mexico would pay for a wall? Despite the fact that that’s never going happen, the president has managed to maintain a base of loyal followers who not only seem to have forgotten that Mexico was supposed to pay for the wall, but believe that shutting down the government and blaming the Democrats for the situation will somehow bear fruit.

It’s like a dystopian nightmare version of Robin Hood, except it’s Donald Hood and his band of Definitely Not-Gay Merry Men. And instead of robbing from the rich, they rob from the salaries of federal employees. And if Hollywood ever releases the movie Donald Hood, President in Tights, I guarantee I will gouge out my eyes with shards of broken glass. – NC

(Proud to be) Bad People

Former Jets linebacker Bart Scott has referred to Providence sports fans as “just bad people.” The highly undecorated average nobody from Detroit also explained, “If I saw some people from Providence, I’d want to punch them in the face.” If we’re that bad, I say we should live up to our reputation. Let’s get Mayor Elorza and his boys out one night in south Providence, and we’ll show you what a concussion really looks like. – NC

Welcome to Libtardtopia

It’s 2019, and y’all are more libtarded than ever. Not only did you reelect California She Devil Nancy Pelosi to Speaker of the House, but now we got individuals calling themselves, well, they. What’s gonna happen to those good American companies producing “Him and Her” towels in Bangladeshi sweatshops? Next, you’ll be telling me that I can’t tell my children that the tooth fairy is coming in case I offend some gay dentist!

The lesson here? Neutralize words that snowflakes find problematic. For instance, when referring to architect of the Holocaust Heinrich Himmler, use the non-gender specific name Heinrich Themmler, just to keep the libtards from getting all Hitler in your shitler. Same goes for Nelson Themdela, Themhattan, New York, and the themstral cycle, although none of these are going to be much use at your next Klan meeting. – GMcT