AltFacts: Stranger Than Fiction: Rolling back civil rights and civility from the White (Only) House

Well I’ll Be … Body Slammed

Pussy grabbing, dehumanizing and now body slamming. Yes, in the latest social directive to come out of the nation’s decaying capital, the president appeared to defend congressman Greg Gianforte of Montana who physically assaulted a British journalist in May 2017. Pontificating at a MAGA rally in Big Sky Country at the end of October, the Donald first mimicked the assault to widespread applause before commenting, “Any guy that can do a body slam … he’s my guy,” which is great news for all violent politicos out there, as they’ve been gifted with yet another tool of intimidation. We hear that the next act will be the legalization of sexual assault — because, let’s face it, it’s not really a thing — followed by the public executions of anyone not wearing a red tie. The reintroduction of slavery isn’t totally off the table yet, but that might mean more interactions with non-Caucasian types, and nobody wants that. One thing is for certain, however: Sexual predators, violent psychotics and sociopaths … you all have a place in this administration’s White (Only) House.

Transgender? Never Heard of It

There is only one source of truth, and that is the westernized Bible. Without flaw, always consistent and so broad in its scope that nothing in history has been left uncovered (check out Dinosaurs II ch. 3, vs. 18-37 for the facts about the K-T extinction and why stegosaurus annoyed God so much they all had to die). In short, the Good Book provides all the answers to the trials of life, and one of those answers is the truth behind gender. As clearly stated in Genesis, after God made the earth a little more than 7,000 years ago, he brought to life Adam and Eve, and it was they who were to serve as the biological models for humanity. Man and woman. Period. There is no mention of Adam and Steve, or Madam and Eve, or any other ambiguous in-between. But somehow, in recent times, a group decided that they are empowered to question the natural order of the Lord and cut-off/add bits to their bodies in the same fashion that normal people (ie, God-fearing, white, heterosexual conservatives) change their socks. Satan-worshiping anarchists! Thankfully, humanity’s salvation comes once again in the shape of the Trump administration. After speaking with Hitler over coffee in the Oval Office, the White House is actively considering a legal decree that will define gender as an irreversible genetic condition determined by genitalia present at birth. In an official statement, the administration (actually) revealed, “Sex means a person’s status as male or female based on immutable biological traits identifiable by or before birth. The sex listed on a person’s birth certificate, as originally issued, shall constitute definitive proof of a person’s sex unless rebutted by reliable genetic evidence.” Of course, hippies and potheads all over the country came out in protest over the proposed ruling, with one of the loudest concerns being “What bathroom can we now use?” Bathroom? You’d be so lucky. Go pee in the yard. Yes, because this is what America is becoming.

And I Would Walk 5,000 Miles

Washington, DC, An estimated 5,000 migrants from Central America are currently making their way north through Mexico. All armed, all carrying drugs and all burning American flags as they go, the horde of crooks is expected to infiltrate the United States southwest at all border points, reaching major settlements by Christmas. Last week, President Trump made a significant move in the right direction by threatening to cut off funding for Guatemala, Honduras and El Salvador, the countries from which the gangbangers originated. Without evidence (because he knows everything), the leader of the free world revealed that “criminals and unknown Middle Easterners” are using the migrant caravan as cover, likely executing children and preaching Islam as they go. Meanwhile, in a cowardly move, Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto has been petitioning the United Nations to assist in ascertaining who has valid asylum claims and who has not. However, it is not their nation that serves to suffer, but ours, and so our heroic president deftly went to Twitter to put further pressure on those who would see our reputation tarnished by more bloody immigrants. We learned that the guilty parties are the Democrats (they’re still meddling apparently, even though they aren’t in power), Mexico’s “pathetic Immigration Laws” and one-legged pigeons, with the prevalence of Taco Bell across the nation becoming increasingly suspicious. But it’s okay, because the border wall that the president promised, campaigned upon and delivered without fail will protect us … right?

Gun Problem? What Gun Problem?

If any of you have seen the movie Downfall (or one of the countless subtitled parodies), you’ll be aware of the state of mind of Adolf Hitler in April 1945. With the Red Army slowly strangling what was left of a terminally ill Third Reich, the Führer, delusional until the end, barked commands to military units that no longer existed, sending children onto the streets of Berlin to take the bullets of the Russians. “Red Army?” thundered Hitler, “What Red Army?! Nothing can defeat the might of the Fatherland!”

Now the scene is set, let’s get straight to the point. At the time of press, 11,991 individuals have died as a result of gun violence in the United States this year, although this number might well have increased as you read this. Not that there is any problem with gun violence in America. No, the United States is a paltry second (or fifth, depending on how you cut the statistic), languishing behind Brazil. Which clearly isn’t good enough. We need more guns to fuel the totally non-existent gun violence culture that does not exist in America. The eleven people murdered on October 27^th at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh was a great help, thanks Robert Bowers for your contribution, maybe a couple more school shootings in the next week or two; we can but hope. As usual, the President doesn’t give a swinging ballsack about the problem, helpfully explaining, “if they had protection inside, the results would have been far better” (even though three of those shot were armed police officers). But why did I even include this? The flippancy of the White House and the fear-mongering senselessness of the Nauseatingly Rank Acrimoniacs (NRA) are old news now; we all know they’re going to encourage us all to buy more weapons, become even more paranoid and blame Obama’s birth certificate for poisoning the minds of libtards advocating peace and quiet… ironic, though, how it is the MAGAs and co. that need to feel the protection of twelve-gauge safety blankets, and not the left wing. Maybe I am mistaken (I am a drug-addled, antichrist liberal afterall), but surely it takes more courage to disarm and confront matters without a Magnum, than from behind a feckin’ Sherman tank covered in the Stars and Stripes.

Then again, we could just continue to arm everyone, including children, and enjoy watching massacres instead of the World Series. Baseball is, after all, the most boring thing ever invented… yeah, let’s have more school shootings and bloodbaths in religious institutions. That seems to be the right idea. To hell with nipping it in the bud with education, the tightening of gun laws (just so you unstable folk can sleep nice and tight, there is a place for all kinds in Libtardtopia) and all that hippie shit. Let’s just keep murdering as many people as possible until we’re Number One!