AltFacts: International Playdates — Jammies and hairstyles occupy the occupant

I Don’t Wanna Play

In the biggest shocker of the year, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani ruled out a meeting with president Donald Trump when the two world leaders attended the recent United Nations General Assembly session in New York. Citing irreconcilable differences, Mr. Rouhani explained “Mr. Trump is a Cincinnati Bengals fan, whereas I support the Rams, and he also wears too much cologne, which really irritates my allergies. Why he has to marinate in cheap Versace is beyond me.”

In response, Mr. Trump accused his Iranian counterpart of bad sportsmanship, and an inability to see the bigger picture: “Look, Melania made us a lovely dinner of hot dogs and ice cream, and Mr. Rouhani doesn’t want to respect that. Doesn’t want to respect that at all. Furthermore, we made sure to get all his favorite N64 games, plus Ninja Turtle pajamas if he wanted to stay the night at one of my fabulous New York hotels.”

Whether they were Donatello or Raphael PJs hasn’t been confirmed at time of press.

Well Oil Be…

President Trump panned Middle East oil producers last week for getting involved in the game of global economics. In a rare Twitter appearance, Mr. Trump complained, “They continue to push for higher and higher oil prices,” despite market experts claiming that oil prices are at current levels due to the Trump administration’s hardline on Iran. But it gets worse. With the US leading the way as the world’s number one oil producer as well as the commodity’s top consumer, lowering prices could actually hurt American oil companies. But don’t worry, because the president has a trick up his sleeve. In an unanticipated move, the White House invited Elon Musk to Pennsylvania Avenue to advise on alternative power sources, including the fabled notion of clean energy. Sources close to the top have advised Motif that these clean solutions include soap-powered televisions, sterilized batteries and cars that run on mouthwash. Rumors also abound that L’Oreal is considering getting involved in the project, but as it stands, they aren’t sure if it’s worth it.

Hair That Defies the Laws of Physics

Donald Trump is famed for his fashion-conscious dress sense, but nothing is more stylistically on point than the president’s golden mane. As regal a sight as any you would find gracing the courts of Europe, Mr. Trump’s luscious locks are even more impressive when they get caught in a strong gust of wind. Despite flapping around like a frayed burlap sack caught on a barbed wire fence, not only does the entire assemblage stay firmly on the president’s head whatever the weather, it always seems to fall right back into place, undisturbed. “His hair really does defy the laws of physics,” explained Dr. A.N. Erd of John Wayne University. “Someday we plan to create a blueprint of the phenomenon upon which we will base the next generation of NASA technology.” A source close to the president revealed that the White House barber uses steel rods and concrete to keep it all in place, but categorically denies any suggestion of wigs or implants. In the pursuit of good journalism, this writer will attempt to crack the century’s most puzzling enigma and recreate “The Donnie” before we go to press … but I’m not sure I can cut it.