AltFacts: Lies Are Truth, Truth Lies and That Is All Ye Need to Know

Washingclown D.C. – As our distraught nation comes to terms with the president canceling his eagerly anticipated military parade, the White House has released an update on how they plan to spend the $92 million that might otherwise have been wasted on frivolities like education and infrastructure.

“Mr. Trump understands that the nation wants to see more of him,” explained bootlicker-in-chief, Sarah Sanders. “He also understands that not every corner of society has fully connected with his message, not least of which is the LGBLT community. That is why the president will be debuting his very own weekly drag queen act, Goldie Showers, in an effort to bridge the gap.”

Full details have not as yet been released, but an inside source has leaked the titles of a few numbers you can expect to hear at the show: “Man, I Feel Like Vlad Putin,” “Crimea A River,” “Iran (So Far Away),” “For Those About to Go to Jail (We Salute You),” “Comey Chameleon,” “D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T,” “My Tan Will Go On” and “Girls Just Wanna Have Trump.”

Postscript: The White House reported that the postponed parade had been intended to honor veterans. Motif suggests that you get them healthcare and housing instead, Mr. President.

You’re Straight Outta Lux

The United States has often been accused of America First navel-gazing, but the Kremlin-centric globalism peddled by the Trump Administration has paved the way for other foreign nations to influence our mighty political machine. Recently, the trend reached the shores of Rhode Island when two-term state senator, Sheldon “Nominative Determinism” Whitehouse, stole the flag of Luxembourg to act as the design for his campaign poster.

“We feel a great affinity with Europe’s sixth smallest country,” commented an anonymous source at Whitehouse HQ. “At 998 square miles, Luxembourg is just 216 square miles smaller than Rhode Island, and it’s the only location outside the state that has a Del’s and a Walt’s on the same street.”

The source also revealed that Trinity Brewhouse is thinking about opening a second location in Dudelange sometime in 2024, with talks already underway with the country’s leading baseball team, the Red Sappers, to replace the so-called “Woo” Socks (we have yet to confirm what a “woo” is).

Luxembourg’s prime minister, Xavier Bettel, reflected that, “This is a good friendship for our country. We hear that the winters in the Ocean State are fabulous, and that we will be getting Curt Schilling as a permanent part of the exchange.”

It is also rumored that Gina Raimondo will make monthly appearances on the country’s stand-up circuit, but whether they keep her over there on a full-time basis hasn’t yet been decided.

Mining Your Pees and Qs

Conspiracy theories are great. With the right momentum and backing, any old drivel can muddy the waters of logic. Did you know that a seagull originally signed the Declaration of Independence, but was erased from history because Thomas Jefferson caught the bird stealing his wine? It’s true, I overheard three dudes chatting about it in the bathroom at Walmart.

I also heard this little tidbit over the weekend: “There’s an organization out there called QAnnon that is exposing the real corruption happening in this country. They have discovered that the Rothschilds head an international satanic cult, and that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama traffic children on the side. It’s true, plus they are all pro-Trump.”

If I wasn’t convinced about the seagulls and QAnnon at this point, all traces of doubt were removed when Rudy Giuliani took the time to explain how truth really isn’t truth, and you should basically just believe whatever appeals to your prejudices.

Which is a colossal relief, because I can’t bring myself to believe that “Game of Thrones” didn’t actually happen in real life, and know for a fact that the Irish are morally, psychologically and intellectually superior to all y’all. Saying that, I haven’t made-up my mind about QAnnon just yet, but when they get on board with the fact that Hillary’s emails killed the dinosaurs, then maybe we’ll have a deal.

Art of the Deal: The Lost Gospel of Saint Donald

Former “Apprentice” contestant and ex-White House staffer Omarosa Manigault-Newman is an individual of many talents, but her greatest contribution to mankind — uncovering the Dead Sea Scrolls — is arguably the least well known. Until now. In Newman’s all-access expose Unhinged: An Insider’s Account of the Trump White House, not only does she reveal that Mr. Trump has full access to the legendary scrolls, but that the lost fifth gospel of the Bible, The Art of the Deal, was pegged as the document upon which Mr. Trump would swear fealty on inauguration day. Since no verifiable explanation exists as to why this did not occur, Motif contacted the White House to clarify the matter. They had this to say:

“President Trump is a true believer. He admires the word of God as it reminds Him of His own, and in The Art of the Deal, the president saw some incredible wisdom that, regrettably, did not make it into the final edition of the original Bible. We changed our direction at the last minute after Mike Pence was visited by Moses who suggested a more traditional route. However, The Art of the Deal has not been forgotten about, and alongside the other Dead Sea Scrolls, is being compiled into another book, Bible 2: Christ’s Revenge, which will be available from Bill O’Reilly’s book store, Christmas 2018.

WTF WTO

The rest of the world hates our freedom and is doing everything it can to undermine the US as the planet’s economic powerhouse. We also know that the only barrier between us and financial ruin is the unsurpassable genius of the 45th president, Donald “Golden Eagle” Trump, long may he reign. When the supreme leader threatened to withdraw the country from the World Trade Organization on the evening of August 30, he not only showed the rest of the world that our dollar is mightier than their wishy-washy peso sterling, but also that we don’t give a rat’s backside about perceived economic convention. By leading the way in this new financial dawn, we can partner with our buddies North Korea (and some made-up places called Eritrea, Palestine and Tuvalu) in creating a fairer, American economy built upon the love of Christ, apple pie and Ronald Reagan’s Stetson. It’s gonna be a glorious, plantation format design, with 100% coal-powered factories and pesticides in every single grocery item. Overseas imports will come from Wisconsin and Hawaii, with Kanye West tapped to become the newly commissioned Federal Trade Regulator … and some of you think this column is satire.