Muckraker
A tech billionaire aspires to bring mankind into space, starting his own space travel and electric car company, but has a secret agenda that includes more than a little eugenics. No, we’re not talking about Chainsaw guy, believe it or not, but the highly analogous villain of Moonraker, the 1979 Bond film where Roger Moore jumped the shark straight into outer space. Were the writers psychically channeling 2025, or is there a cyclical inevitability to this sort of thing? Local artist AloneInTown lampoons the classic poster here. Her biggest challenge? Figuring out who stands in for James Bond in our modern, postmodern reality. Perhaps Rosie the Riveter or Uncle Sam can help?
Providence’s Sixth Sense
Speaking of cinematic surrealism, we’re excited to learn that auteur filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan, known for his twist endings and ensembles of killer mermaids, unbreakable detectives, and deceitful split personalities, is bringing his next film to li’l ole PVD. This supernatural love story is being simultaneously made into a novel by Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook) and a film by Shyamalan, set to star Donny Darko himself, Jake Gyllenhaal. Expect to enter a bubble universe if you intersect the Providence-based filming, and don’t be surprised if some Lovecraftian creepy-crawlies start to emerge from the river for the occasion. Governor McKee and Speaker Shekarski have expressed excitement for the project, and we can’t think of a better team to cameo as Eldritch Horrors. Mr. Shyamalan, we encourage you to keep it authentic and cast established RI horrors, whether you need a giant bunny, an extraterrestrial, or the Remains of Buddy Cianci. (Seriously – they are looking for extras – email rhodeislandextras@gmail.com if you want a shot at making creepy history. You’ll probably die. It’s fun.)
No Deal
In a Motif exclusive, we’ve learned that Pete Hegsmeth has enthusiastically banned a number of books from war colleges across the nation, including our own Naval War College. “No one’s read these books,” he explains. By no one, he means himself. “But all my favorite AIs say they’re full of rubbish.” In a surprise twist, those AIs banned The Art of the Deal as well, presumably because it has the word “Art” in the title. The book’s accredited author, Donald Trump, is unperturbed by the information. “I never read it, myself,” he declared. “Why would I? Obviously, it’s about me, and I already know everything about me. I’m an expert. I’m a genius. Why would I read a book if I already wrote it?” It was unclear from his comments whether President Trump has, in fact, read any books or has the attention span to aspire to such an action.
“The Power Compels You”
Many around the world are mourning the sudden passing of Pope Francis. Yet no one seems to have focused on the fact that one of his last visitors was none other than America’s own JD Vance. Did the pope pass of natural causes? Or, did what we can only imagine must have been an attempted exorcism take too much out of the ole holy father? •