Funeral for RI environmental bills
A variety of local ecological leaders embraced satire this past week by holding a funeral for 19 bills that tried to pass through the RI legislature over the year. All of them were killed on the vine. A faux-minister presided over an empty, environmentally friendly casket, carried up the statehouse steps by pall-bearers. A few of the bills came close to passing – close being helpful in horseshoes, but not so much if you’re playing climate roulette or “kill all the trees,” an exciting new game being patented by the statehouse.
Jeff Migneault of Climate Action RI, presiding over the ceremony, told the assembled crowd, “Today we mourn, for we are sorrowful and angry… These bills, noble in purpose, pure in intent, were born in the hearts of those who see the rising tides, feel the warming winds, and hear creation groan under the weight of greenhouse gases,” as reported by local journalist Steve Ahlquist.
Each failed bill received its own requiem and its own (recyclable) cardboard tombstone.
One bill from the green agenda, the Net Metering Bill, did pass. Said advocate Joel Gates, also of Climate Action RI, “It will eliminate restrictions on the size of a consumer’s solar system.” It sounds out of this world, but it’s not that kind of solar system – it gives you clearance to gather more solar power than previously allowed. Just in time for global warming!
For non-sardonic coverage of this event, we recommend Steve Ahlquist’s excellent coverage on his subreddit, steveahlquist.substack.com
Party at Smiley’s house!
Providence mayor Brett Smiley no longer needs to go far to camp this summer. Unhoused people invited him to a ribbon cutting outside his Hope St home, where a new tent city has sprung up to protest PVD police who have violated the Homeless Bill of Rights, a RI law passed to protect the homeless from police harassment, entitling them to the same protection of property and against search and seizure as other city residents. It remains to be seen how the mayor will react, or if he will pitch a tent alongside the now-growing encampment. Regardless, we look forward to the fireworks. See a video here: youtube.com/watch?v=RwAg5oYclyg&t=482s
Washington bridge silver lining get RIers talking more
The aquatic demolition of the Washington bridge substructure has officially begun, marking the first serious progress on the roughly half-billion dollar project that is expected to result in a whole new bridge in 2028. In related news, RI-based talk radio station WPRO boasted its strongest ratings ever in 2024, buoyed to the top by heated debates on national politics and by a steady stream of Washington Bridge-inspired traffic. It certainly makes sense that listenership would rise because of the bridge – what else are you going to do while you’re stuck trying to cross it.
Trump’s new Alligator Alcatraz
The Trump administration gave up trying to drain the swamp and literally reversed course with a new detention center in the Everglades. The alligator-bait detention center is already making headlines for its inhumane conditions, and as of this writing flooded to a swampiness comparable to the current DC environment. “We are going to drain some swamps, just not that one,” said the Plumber in Chief. Democratic leadership is now receiving training from professional alligator wrestlers: The secret to alligator wrestling is to clamp the gator’s mouth shut; Democrats are hoping to apply a similar technique to Scaly Donald. Just-immigration advocates are hoping that that heat and water combination might prove meltingly disabling to ICE.