Saved by our rhodes
US Attorney General Pam Bondi has sent a letter of official chastisement to Governor McKee, saying that Rhode Island’s status as a sanctuary state “ends now.” Although there’s no official legal definition of a “sanctuary state,” and the governor’s office seems confused about whether RI is one or not, it is equally unclear what Bondi has in mind as a next step. She may try to invade, as federal troops have done in Washington DC. RI is small enough – DC is the only domain that’s smaller. Will the plan be to invade states from the smallest on up?
“If that’s the plan, they’ll find a lot more trouble in RI than they’re prepared for,” explained RI Department of Transportation head Peter Alviti. “We’ve been planting potholes in strategic spots for decades. We’ve recrafted all of our major highways and byways into counterintuitive spaghetti and linguini roads that cause GoogleMaps to just shut down. They’ll never be able to figure out what exit to take,” Alviti expanded, “If they send in tanks, they’ll all end up in a traffic jam on Rte. 10.”
It is possible advance scouts are even now trying to find their way out of some of the special speed-bump-crater-pothole zones off of North Main St. It’s hard to tell, as the truck-mounted advanced federal tracking systems have been trying to get across the Washington bridge for several weeks. “Amphibious assault is probably the way to go,” Bondi may have said. “We’ve heard this is the Ocean State, and obviously it’s an island.”
TrumpBurger owner deported by ICE
Yep, there’s a Texas-based food chain named TrumpBurger, which surprisingly doesn’t involve the Donald. In a you-can’t-make-this-stuff-up fit of irony, the owner, Roland Beainy, was recently arrested by ICE and now faces deportation. We’re eager to see what other Trump brands might suffer a similar fate. For example, the surprise closure of Trump University a while back doubtless left many suddenly VISA-less students roaming the streets of our fine cities. Perhaps this uncharacteristic quasi-self-loathing will result in the long-deferred deportation of Melania and her family, as the ICE focus expands to include Trump supporters. If only there were a way to deport Mr. Mango himself to Russia, ICE might finally achieve some measure of public support. Put that in your PR plan, Mr. Lyons.
We have a lot of opinions about tariffs, but not enough room to express them
Tariffs have kicked in. Many years ago, Motif actually made a few pennies on the dollar by recycling Motifs that didn’t get picked up. We were told that paper was sold and shipped to China. We tried slipping one of those cheap-cheap RFID chips into the mag-remains one time, but only tracked it as far as Pawtucket, where we figured it got crushed being packed into a truck. So we have no real idea where that went, but about a decade ago, prices changed up. We were no longer paid (and in fact, bulk recycling suddenly cost money instead). We found free ways to recycle and reuse, but we miss knowing all the paper was going to a better place.
Since COVID, we’ve had so few leftover copies, it hasn’t been an issue.
As of this writing, many of the threatened tariffs have kicked in, and we’re starting a pool to see which groceries go up the most. Did you know that nearly all the newsprint and newspaper used in New England is imported from Canada? The next few months will likely be filled with cute surprises like that, as measured by the new holes in your wallet.
Rhode Island seems to particularly import, from other countries, cars, medical equipment, petroleum/power, and metals — which includes cans at your favorite brewpub, where you should definitely start tipping your server more. Look for pork, nuts, fruits, and, believe it or not, fish and seafood (which we also export, as part of the circle of life) to get the tariff treatment.
Motif’s favorite import, of course, is artists, musicians, and performers. Try to convince your overseas friends that visiting the US isn’t quite as bad as going to hell. We need them badly now. And as the heatwaves of summer recede gently into the colorful breeze of fall, they’ll find this much more temperate than hell. Although the audiences in hell probably have more disposable income.