We had to have a Caesar Salad for the food issue. You should see what we had to chop out for space. Join us as we slice and dice this delicious mix of healthy greens and rotting tomatoes.
Harveywood
Culture wars are burning in our national heads (in Boston) and hearts (in LA), which has led to a new “Harvard/Hollywood” coalition. The unexpected alliance between a town known for egg-heads and one known for air-heads is expected to at least solve the priceof-eggs problem by producing air-eggs for everyone. National guardsmen currently enforcing themselves on LA residents are spreading rumors that their next deployment will be to prevent foreign students from attending classes at the crimson home of the Tasty Puddings (sorry for the apparent typo – it’s Hasty Puddings at Harvard, Tasty Puddings for the Motif Food Issue). Either way, let’s see which is harder to eat up and spit out.
SpaceXing Out
President Trump has announced a new collaboration with Boeing, where the struggling aircraft manufacturer will transport deportees to other countries “at significant savings.” “We’re insisting they use only 737s, because we don’t know what else to do with them. No one wants to ride in those things,” explained President Trump of the new deal. The Commander in Chief and Chief Deporter then segued into a tirade about how everything related to AI is the fault of former advisor and frenemy Elon Musk, “We were developing a plan to subsidize SpaceX deportation flights to take them to the Moon. We’re pretty sure even international accords and standards of decency don’t apply on the Moon. We own the Moon, of course, but the rules are different there. So if we send people there, it’s pretty much the same as sending them to other countries. They can’t vote on the Moon.” The SpaceX subsidized project has been put on hold, however, until “Elon apologizes for being a drugged up crazy person,” inconveniently forgetting this had already happened. “I’m selling my Tesla,” Trump confided, “And we’re proceeding with the space deportation program, using a new fleet of invisible stealth bombers, headed by the president’s recently acquired gold-accented Saudi Arabian Jet.
Rhode Island Healthcare on Life Support
Statehouse announces nine-point resuscitation plan. With Hospitals Roger Williams and Our Lady of Fatima facing a bankrupt parent company and primary care network Anchor Medical closing, thereby releasing 25,000 RI-patients to simultaneously try to find primary care in a market with an already dramatic shortage, things do not look good for the unwell in our state.
RI reimbursements don’t come close to matching those of nearby Mass and CT. Instead of, say, Monopoly-busting the one insurance company dominating our state, officials have decided to turn to something that IS working: the state food, calamari.
“Calamari has demonstrated restorative properties,” says Brown Medical School medieval medicine expert Gawain Shekarchi. “Not only is it healthy to consume the RI version (with hot peppers to sweat out our germs), but the suction cups on their nine tentacles make an excellent replacement for leeches.” He also recommends Lychee Martinis for whatever ails you. “If we can get every Rhode Islander to eat calamari – the squid of the Gods – daily, we wouldn’t need healthcare any more.”