Stereotypically viewed as the final resort to saving a failed relationship, the idea of couples therapy tends to send your average happy couple running for their (love) lives. Similarly, when people fantasize about their ideal Valentine’s Day – filled with giant stuffed teddy bears, intimate dinner dates, and a trail of rose petals, they rarely consider couples counseling an opportunity to celebrate their love. But what if we got it wrong? Would it be that hard to believe? Luckily, there are experts on this topic, and together, we explored how modern society is quietly shaping our relationships. What should you do if the same underlying issues find their way to the surface this Valentine’s Day? Read along, and perhaps, save your holiday from disaster.
The Modern Couple
Considering the current era of social media addiction, political upheaval, and climate disaster (among other things), it is easy to see how these far-reaching issues could impact our relationships. Couples therapist Orna Guralnik from Showtime’s hit television series Couples Therapy claims that the world’s current social climate has allowed the modern couple to access a new, more profound side of their psyche. Whether you are liberal, conservative, Marxist, or moderate, the state of the world has opened you up to conversations that your predecessors simply did not have. While it may initially sound intimidating to have the world’s problems thrust upon your intimate relationships, Guralnik argues that these changes have empowered modern couples more than anything: “We appear to be coming around to the idea that bigger social forces run through us, animating us and pitting us against one another, whatever our conscious intentions.”
Now, I know what you may be thinking: “But my partner and I don’t even argue about politics!”
However, the impact of this global, political reckoning has made way for a personal reflection that is much more sincere and conducive to healthy romance. As Guralnik puts it, “Couples’ work always goes back to the challenge of otherness,” and even if you and your partner’s political ideologies align, you still have deep thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and desires that do not. This is what lovers find most challenging to navigate.
How do you respond when your subconscious beliefs cause you to behave in a way that hurts the one you love? What if you didn’t do it on purpose? What if you weren’t even aware of it? Just as the nation’s historical failings cast an invisible shadow on its current systems, our subconscious beliefs and childhood wounds do the same to our relationships. And while it can be incredibly painful and uncomfortable to confront them, it is the only path forward.
How to Rescue Your V-Day from Disaster
So, what underlying fears are shaping your behavior this Valentine’s season? Are you too embarrassed to offer the big romantic gesture that your partner wants? Or maybe you’re worried that you’ll spend another year disappointed by a lackluster store-bought card?
When I asked a local psychologist to name the issues that commonly come up for couples around Valentine’s Day, she responded, “I think it really comes down to expectations and unresolved issues. They build, and build, and build. Eventually, they turn into a mountain, and if those expectations are not met on Valentine’s Day, it becomes a major tipping point.”
What many do not realize (or perhaps intentionally avoid) is that Valentine’s Day taps into some of our most primal beliefs about romance, pleasure, money, and self-worth, to name a few.
Does this mean that you can’t eat that bag of chocolate-glazed caramel truffles? Of course not! However, it does suggest that those truffles be paired with some very intentional communication with your partner about what makes you tick this time of year.
Affordable Couples Therapy Resources in RI
If you, your partner, or someone you love needs mental health support this Valentine’s Day, check out some of these affordable local resources! The University of Rhode Island Couple and Family Therapy Clinic offers counseling services for relationship issues ranging from communication problems to parenting concerns. Their services are priced on a sliding scale of $10-$40, as they hope to provide services that are affordable, accessible, and hassle-free. They are located in Kingston and can be reached by telephone at 401-874-5956.
For those navigating abusive relationships, the Sojourner House provides free, private counseling services for all domestic abuse survivors, regardless of housing situation or immigration status. They are located at 386 Smith St in Providence, and you can call them at 401-765-3232.
If you are looking for more wide-ranging mental health services, you can turn to Community Care Alliance. While they do offer both family and couples therapy, they also provide mental health services for other areas of life that may be impacting your relationships, such as substance use counseling and psychiatry treatment. Their prices are on a sliding scale, and you can reach them at 401-235-7000 or visit them in Woonsocket.
Tune In Tune Up offers free mental health triage and counseling for musicians and music professionals in Rhode Island. Find out more at www. tuneinandtuneup.com •
Last, if you are still wary of couples counseling, take a look at Showtime’s Couples Therapy to watch real couples as they move through discomfort and unpack the not-so-romantic scenes of their love story. The first episode is available for free on YouTube, and the rest of the series is on Showtime’s streaming service.
