How did we get to wearing blue overalls while attempting Taylor Swift’s dance in “The Fate of Ophelia” music video, trying to be as (‘cool?’ Is that the right word? Please suggest) as ‘cool and slay’ as youngsters who have already memorized the Tik Tok. (Ah, the good old days of Musically and Vine, all gone down the drain to more mesmerizing platforms for the world to see.)
Well, if I may interrupt your doom scrolling for a moment, there’s actually some pretty serious events going on these days. And I know, it’s not necessarily what you’re expecting from a ‘satire’ article. But isn’t the point of satire to make you laugh about the horrid events going on in today’s world while you’re pretending to be a sophisticated person of society drinking your black espresso ground to the center of the Earth and sighing at chirping birds outside the window who couldn’t give less of a fuck? Again, I had to get at least one in there. We’ll see how the rest of the article goes. There may be more! [We recently confirmed for Sylvia that swear words are OK in Motif a long as used with intention – ed.]
Ahem. I digress. Now, to the topic of the article. Conservative relatives. Don’t we love them? Well, we love them as a person, not necessarily for their viewpoint during Hallowthankmas season. Especially during the middle part, Thanksgiving. Arguably, my least favorite season of the year. A clashing of democrats and conservatives, all fighting over who gets to stab the (mahogany!) table with a knife first. Speaking of Vine, I harken back to a particular Thomas Sanders vine (2015 kids know what I’m talking about) ‘Let’s not talk about politics…at the Christmas table.’ No, really. it’s a whole song! Look it up; now that is good satire.
Not necessarily conservative, but don’t we all have that one person at our table whom we debate inviting every year but ultimately give in, and end up getting jealous of the kids hiding upstairs? I realized how truly old I was this year when I had to stay downstairs while this generation of kids hid upstairs and I had to be the adult in the room. Truly terrifying. Though, with Halloween coming up, may I suggest a genius idea I stumbled across on Substack? Instead of putting out candy this year, put 1984 novels in your candy bowl, or indeed, a single piece of candy with a sign that says ‘please take one.’ I may adopt this same idea to Thanksgiving this year: Please take one and kindly f*** off to the farthest possible house from mine.
Now, we do have some respect for people with differing opinions from us. Not much. But some. After all, they’re our relatives, and we have to put up with them all at some point. When someone goes on a caveat, as I’ve just heard on the radio this morning, change the subject. I’ll give an example at the end of this article. ‘Oh, I’ve just seen so and so, I haven’t talked to them in ages!’ If they follow you, follow suit and hide with someone downstairs, or hang out at the drinks or dessert table until you truly cannot differentiate said person from the rest of the party. I don’t condone this necessarily, but it is proven to work from past experience.
From a recent Halloween party, I have learned that if the company isn’t ideal, stick with the company that is, and again, try not to give a f***. (Oops, there’s another.) Take pictures together in costume, laugh, eat the horrible Dominos pizza and those little sugar cookies with the frosting and sprinkles. You know the ones I mean. Ultimately, shine in your own confidence and try not to take it personally. You won’t see these people for another year.
Hopefully.
I can picture the joyous talk already around the table: ‘Are we still going to control the asteroid / moon waste?’
Or ‘Are we still focused on forbidding Belle to go to the East Wing?’
There are much better things to talk about, after all. Like ducks! Ducks are cute.
And yes, Autocorrect, I did, for once, mean “ducks.”
Either way, Happy holiday season, and let’s hope everyone can calm down a bit at least to celebrate.
After all, Thanksgiving is best celebrated with family.
Just as long as it’s not your own family.