When kids leave home, it is a significant transition not only for the ones who are going – but also for the ones left behind. Since I have seen several kids and grandkids head off to college or begin other adventures, I wanted to explore what It is like when someone who has been part of your daily life for 18 years, more or less, takes off. I spoke to four families with kids making that transition. What follows is not didactic. There is no lesson or advice. Nor is it representative of all the experiences families have. However, hopefully, it will interest others going through this process and help them reflect on their own experiences.
Dana Brown says she and her husband, Mark Stolt, “Won the kid lottery twice” when they had Sarah Stolt, 23, and Carter Stolt, 17. Sarah graduated from Northeastern in 2022 and is currently living at home. Carter is a high school senior looking at colleges in several locations. Dana is a veterinarian who chose motherhood over her career. She says, “You can’t have it all.” She selected one life but thought frequently about the other. Now, with the kids moving out and into adulthood, she can do what she always wanted to do professionally; run an animal hospital. She says she wished she had known that this opportunity would eventually come back to her. She reports that having Sarah at home is like having “an adult relationship with a lovely human being.” “Carter,” she adds, “Is just easy! Always has been. I’m a 55-year-old woman, and he is a 17-year-old boy. We don’t hang out, but I’ll miss him terribly.”
I spoke with one family who was glad to share their experience but preferred that their names not be used. The student has dual citizenship. She is a citizen of both the United States and Scotland. Her mother is Scottish, and her father is from the US. They met while he was doing international work. They moved back to The States when their daughter was four. It was fascinating to the mother when her daughter decided to attend Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh. She had gone to college in Glasgow, and it meant a lot to her that they would share and be able to compare the experience of a Scottish university education. Although the family frequently visited Scotland, this would be an opportunity to get to know the culture and to connect more closely with aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents. The mother decided to accompany her daughter to the start of her Freshman year in 2020. Due to COVID, they went into quarantine at an aunt’s house for two weeks. Once they were cleared, the daughter moved into apartment-like housing with four other girls. The mother felt a lot of confidence in the National Health Care Service to ensure her daughter was safe.
The respect and pride Nessa Richardson and Mike Henry feel for their kids is palpable. Thea Henry graduated from Clark University and is returning for a 5th-year master’s program. Nessa said when Thea left, it was just her in the house with her son, husband, and two dogs. “This made a substantial difference to me. I missed having my daughter in the house and everything else that went along with it, including loving moments and special projects and just having girl time. Asher Henry graduated from high school in 2023 and has spent the time since doing a gap year that would make anybody feel envious. He took a group of students for a week at a farm, woofing (Worldwide Opportunities on Organic Farms) in upstate NY. Asher also balled Christmas trees and completed a solo cross-country drive in a minivan/stealth camper while sleeping in Cracker Barrel parking lots. Last, he got a certificate in Chinese house building from Yestermorrow Design Build School. He starts college in the fall. Nessa and Mike report that it has been “heart-wrenching” every time the kids leave, but they’ve also gained confidence that Thea and Asher can handle themselves. Also, they are “finding time to do stuff we haven’t had time to do.” Mike has had a banjo for 15 years and is just starting to take lessons.
The Collins/Lanz household consists of Kateri Collins and Fritz Lanz, the mother and father, and three kids; Ivy, Stella, and Ezra. Ivy just finished college, Stella is a college Junior starting a semester in Amsterdam, and Ezra is in his senior year of high school. Ivy and Stella each took a gap year between high school and college. Ezra may also. When the kids are leaving, Kateri tends to worry more before they go and Fritz more after they’ve left. “Each child that leaves,” they observe, “creates space for the younger ones to blossom.” When Ivy left, Stella and Ezra became closer. Then Stella left, and Ezra went to high school as an only child. He became more talkative than he’d ever been. When they reform as a family of five in the summer, there can be some stress, but Fritz said, “We’re a family who have spent a lot of time in a tent together. We can work things out.” Kateri says that her job with her kids is pretty much done. “Now they’ll evaluate my parenting for the rest of their lives, but I can just be me without worrying about embarrassing them.” •