Hi Spyce,
So here’s what I’m wondering. I am a very friendly young woman who likes to make connections and not make things awkward. Recently, I saw my personal trainer on a dating site. Now I don’t really feel like we would be a good fit, but I always like to talk about dating stories, and also maybe I could hook him up with a friend or something. We are in a group program and so I was thinking about mentioning it to him casually next time we are together at the gym.
Do you think this is a good idea?
— Outgoing or Offensive
Dear OoO…
Well…do I think this is a good idea? Hm…I gotta say, for me it’s a resounding hell no!
Surprised? Yeah, I’m sure you are. I mean, if you know one thing about Spyce it’s that Spyce did not go through life as Spyce by being shy and passive. Abso-freakin-lutely not! I am ALWAYS the one to say “Go for it, GF!” and to mean it! You never know until you try, the universe rewards actions, you miss all of the shots you don’t take, and all of that good stuff.
But here’s the thing that makes this situation different. It’s the old keep your professional and personal life separate thing. May feel like archaic advice but it still rings true!
I mean, come on now, the guy is at work! And you’re his client, so essentially you are kinda like his boss cause you shakin your booty under his watchful eye pays his bills. So that means even if he was utterly mortified by you talking to him about his dating life, he couldn’t really express that without possibly being rude at work and losing a client. There’s a power dynamic at play here that leads us into some sticky territory…
Now let’s say on the other hand that he’s absolutely thrilled to talk with you about his charmed life, it still could get weird before too long. The world is sooooo on edge these days and it’s incredibly easy to say something “inappropriate” and throw someone into a tizzy.
So even though I admire your enthusiasm, I have to say that this conversation just has the potential to truly throw a wrench in your fun and easy fitness scenario, and I’d hate to hear of that happening.
Here’s the thing… People meet significant others at work all the time. (My cousin’s wife was just talking about how she met him when she worked at Starbucks and he would come in to get his Macchiato.) So it’s not entirely off base. But you have to know how to approach it casually, and maybe out of earshot of other people. You say that you excel at making things less awkward, so maybe use some of that charm to figure out how to get the stories you want, without causing some missteps in the process.
You can do it!
xoxo
–Spyce
Dear Spyce,
I am a bigger woman and while I have been with men who appreciate me for who I am, I am in a bad place now due to a recent breakup. In the relationship my ex would constantly berate me for my size, and even though he told me that he loved me “despite my weight”, just him saying that made me feel awful. Now that we are apart, I never want to go through that again. Any advice on how I can be sure to avoid men like that, as well as heal from my past experiences?
Heavy and Hot!
Dearest HH,
First off, I am so sorry to hear that you had that experience! We can all be sexy at any size, and it’s unfortunate that you were with someone so shallow, that they only focused on outside appearances, instead of the beauty that I can tell you have within. I strongly agree that never dating someone like that again is the best decision, and here’s how I think you can go about that.
First, make sure you are not unconsciously delivering this negative body shaming rhetoric to yourself through any media. Our society is full of it, so be aware of that, and how it affects you. Make sure to rid your social media of any groups or pages that are not body positive, and unfollow anyone who makes you feel bad about how you look.
Meanwhile, join more sex positive communities where all kinds of body types are celebrated, embraced, and seen as sexy. Meeting more people who are comfortable in their skin and confident at any size will help model for you how that behaviour is possible, and it’s not just one shape of body that deserves love, intimacy, and pleasure.
Finally, work on ways to increase your own feelings of self worth, so you can be more selective in who you choose to spend time with. If someone seems too focused on how you look, try to redirect their attention to another positive quality you have. Oftentimes we can tell from the beginning what someone is like, but we tend to overlook certain things in order to see what we want to see. Don’t do that! Make sure to be very aware of someone’s feelings around the things that are important to you. Be willing to hold strong boundaries, speak your mind, and even voice your insecurities. There’s no reason why you can’t be transparent with a new person and let them know about this experience and how awful you think it is. If they don’t agree, you get a good idea of the kind of person that they are. If they do, then you may have found a good match!
Whatever it is, remember to treat yourself kindly and with love. Every inch of you! Your body has taken you through all of your life, and it deserves to be honored and respected, no matter what state it’s in.
xoxo
—Spyce
