AltFacts: The Terror of Sinclair

Now that the media-content-franchising, frighteningly biased conglomerate Sinclair Broadcast Group has purchased local WJAR News Channel 10, you can expect Terrorism Watch and other trumped-up segments (like one starring Boris Epshteyn) to invade the minds of those watching local news broadcasts.

Our intrepid AltFacts investigators (who don’t, technically, exist – but neither do unbiased Sinclair investigators), went deep undercover to reveal what other mind-invading media tricks they have up their sleeves. Possible collaboration with the new 94.5 (WChristianRockFromHellWhereBRUsedToBe) has not been ruled out.

Plans to recruit landmarks like the Big Blue Bug and Independent Man appear to have been unsuccessful so far, although we have it on good authority that the Johnston Landfill is fully on board. In fact, mutant garbage that’s spawning in that esteemed environment has recently gained the power of speech and will have a segment on Channel 10 beginning next week.

And in a public relations move like no other, Sinclair is offering to reward any mayors, pundits or higher elected officials (not high in a cannabinoid sense … well, maybe that too … although these folks go more for the coke end of the spectrum), if those officials agree to read prewritten, Sinclair-supplied content. By reading brief, pointed statements at the beginning and end of every press conference (and let’s face it, who’s really listening anyway?) officials can secure financing to ensure reelection and earn exciting bonus prizes from those not claimed on any given day’s screening of “The Price Is Right!”

On the bright side, it is entirely possible that this arrangement will allow the governor (henceforth to be called the conservanor when speaking ex cathedra) to solve RI’s debt problems with one swift, outside-the-box moral compromise, which would make her the most effective moral compromiser in RI’s robust history of moral compromisation. How’s that for playing a trump card?