AltFacts: Two Truths and an Uplifting Future

Now let’s play two truths and a lie:

1. NASA has officially issued a press release denying allegations that it has been abducting children and using them to populate experimental work colonies on Mars.
2. Bill Cosby has begun teaching seminars for celebrities, supervisors and high-income individuals on how to avoid sexual harassment and assault suits.
3. The Donald has announced his intention to close Amtrak, presumably because he believes that if fewer people took the train and rode limos instead, more of them would understand his world view and gain insight into his governance decisions.

Betcha can’t guess which one’s made up! Well, since this is AltFacts, we get to cheat a little. Only half of one is untrue. Still not sure? It’s the third one. Although Mr. Orange IS gunning for Amtrak, we made up the reason. We suspect the real reason is Freudian (if you’re not sure what we mean, just Google Freud and trains. Or Freud and tunnels. Or Freud and hand size. Or, really, just Freud.)

In other alt news, we are endlessly grateful for Faceliftgate (although, any scandal unlikely to outlast the week probably doesn’t deserve the “gate” moniker). Mr. Trump’s bizarre accusation that one of his party guests arrived with a bleeding face because of a facelift – and the, to us, equally bizarre defense, that it wasn’t a faceLIFT, but just some work on her chin (is that a faceDROP? We’re not up on plastic surgical jargon) – may be most notable for its timing, in the middle of the stalled attempts to get TrumpCare pushed through the lawmaking machine. Perhaps we should be reassured that he’s keeping his famously short focus firmly on healthcare-related issues, right? We certainly hope the accused, soon-to-be Mrs. Brzezinski (say that three times fast), will consider outsourcing her next facelift to some of the excellent medical tourism practitioners we’ve heard about operating in Asia. That would be a fitting endorsement of the revised health care practices.