AltFacts: Red as a Wall of Meat

Heaven and Hell-sinki

It always struck me as bizarre that the Republican party chose to be represented by the color red. On the one hand, there have been generations of wrinkly old men in crimson neckties extolling ‘real’ American values, while on the other, there have been successive conservative lobbies propagating the notion that our greatest enemy is the scarlet-faced Soviet. Something didn’t seem quite right — after all, all blood is red, as the saying goes — but finally, the nation has been awarded some clarity. For two years, the Trump administration has been investing considerable time and resources into realigning the incongruity in the political spectrum, and the efforts seem to have been paying off. All that remained was securing a world stage on which the United States and Russia could declare their newfound friendship, and when Donald Trump met with his Russian counterpart, Vladimir Putin, in Helsinki earlier this month, they got one. It was an unprecedented declaration of bilateral support of the American democratic process, the ultimate meeting of east and west where Washington and Moscow demonstrated how the former Red Menace is now the Crimson Comrade. First, Putin offered to interrogate US officials suspected of interfering in the 2016 election. In return, Trump acknowledged that US intelligence may not be as dependable as we might otherwise have hoped, and that both countries shared the responsibility for any sort of meddling in election results. Sound reasonable? Well, it’s 2018. Of course it does.

Stroking the Bacon: Erecting a Wall of American Meat

Exports of American meat products may be slowing due to China and Mexico setting tariffs on pork products in response to recent tariffs set by the US, but the slaughter is going ahead apace. Two and a half billion pounds of meat has already been piled up across the country, with the trend set to continue. But concerned environmentalists and animal rights activists need not to worry. According to sources close to the president, this is not a surplus, rather the bones behind a brand new foreign policy.

“We are going to build a bloody great WALL!!” explained Mr. Trump on Tuesday’s Tweet of the Union. “And not any old wall, we are going to build a wall of AMERICAN pork, the best pork in the world.

“Our pork is always the biggest, firmest and most satisfying in the mouth,” continued the president. “The fact that it will also keep out bad Muslims is just a bonus.”

Ham-fisted? Disjointed? Not this administration. In a recent press conference, Sarah “The Sandman” Sanders revealed that an entire 13 minutes was dedicated to the idea before the president got boar-ed and put the plan into action.

“This policy is a matter of principle,” explained Sanders. “The United States has a right to steak a claim to its borders and remind the other seven countries in the world that we won’t be taken for a ride, no matter how many wieners you bring to the table.”

Ms. Sanders did not comment on the savage conditions at megafarms, but did remind the gathered press that every dog has its day, and not all pigs are created equal. And with that, she retired back to sixth grade English class to study for her finals.

Whether Meatloaf will be singing at the erection of Trump’s great sausage fest has yet to be confirmed.