Fall of Civilization: AltFacts makes some predictions to help you navigate the season

Trick eTreat

With the likelihood of the COVID-19 pandemic continuing through the winter, Governor Gina Raimondo has announced that trick-or-treating will be prohibited this Halloween. But the noted lover-of-children has a trick up her sleeve. Kids of the Ocean State can pester their neighbors for protection candy through Zoom video conferences. Their targets will be expected to fulfill Amazon wishlists to ensure their homes don’t become the subject of a dreaded TikTok video. Internet access has finally been installed in the bedroom communities west of I-95, enlarging the racket to cover Eastern Connecticut. The news has been met with rapturous applause, with Hopkinton beef farmer Han Berger commenting that, “Not for nothin’ — with the web we can now access BarnHub.com, meaning we don’t have to scratch images of chickens in the sand anymore. Boom!” 

Cold Weather Gear

With the introduction of the pumpkin spice facemask, local tech startup SnugMug is announcing the launch of three additional scents. Customers this fall can choose from the sweet smell of warm apple pie, cinnamon brown sugar or the docks off Allens Ave. Looking ahead into the colder months, the firm promises masks that can withstand not only extreme temperatures, but also the endless stream of bullshit forecasted to come from football fans ahead of the Superbowl.

Biden on Trail

Following revelations made during President Trump’s nomination speech that Joe Biden is responsible for everything bad that has ever happened in American history ever, Alt-Facts called up guest commentator Grumpy McTrumpy to offer further insights into the former Vice President’s criminal past.

1. The assassination of Julius Caesar (Memphis, January 1937)
2. Instigating the Cold War (and encouraging Communist insurgents in Racine, Winsconsin)
3. Y2K (Biden tried to crash the world and reset the banks, but God intervened)
4. Battle of Gettysburg (Sleepy Joe let the Rebels in the back door, but they were in the right anyway)
5. California Wildfires (Baddie Biden set fire to forest floors littered with free pine needles just to stoke the anti-capitalist conspiracy of climate change)
6. Slavery (Joe Biden instigated the trans-Atlantic slave trade so he could benefit from the Black vote down the line)
7. The extinction of the black rhino (just to make the white rhino look bad)
8. Allan Fung – (a choice so awful, you had to keep voting Democrat)