AltFacts: Modern Patriots: Burning Your Sneakers to Spite Your Face

Take a Nike, Kaepernick

Since the cloudy dawn of humanity, snot-nosed children have been stomping their feet and smashing their toys when petulance gets the better of them. And since the rainswept twilight of humanity, exasperated parents have been tearing out their hair as the little feckers run amok, refusing to listen to reason or sense. Nip this behavior in the bud early; disobedient broods who ignore their parents when asked to eat their greens are on the first step toward becoming adults who throw Nike products in the trash. For example, if the first rule of Fight Club is we don’t talk about Fight Club, then we don’t talk about Fight Club. By the same token, if the first designation of the Bill of Rights is freedom of speech and the right to protest, then advocate for these civic privileges like your life depends on it. After all, defending the nation’s foundational and legal fabric is far more important than getting angry when the football man doesn’t stand-up for your song … wouldn’t you agree?

Because let’s get a few things straight here; Colin Kaepernick’s protest began over racial violence and police brutality, not the flag. Anything else was symbolic collateral damage. The fact that he protested in the first place shows that far from hating America, Kaepernick is the very definition of a patriot. He wants the Star-Spangled Banner to fly resplendent, not marred by unresolved crises on the streets of our cities. Secondly, the United States is a democratic republic that was founded upon protest; Washington, Jefferson and co. believed in nothing more strongly. By supporting the silencing of Kaepernick’s protest, you are actively going against the top listing in the Bill of Rights, and that’s just not cool. Why not scrap the Fourth Amendment (which guards against unreasonable searches and seizures, demanding warrants be judicially sanctioned and supported by probable cause) while you’re at it? If you’re going to open the door to tyranny, you might as well kick it down with a steel-toed boot. Which leads us to the irony of the story; defenders of the Second Amendment refusing to acknowledge Kaepernick’s rights to protest within the First and wanting to see him punished, yet switching sides when it comes to the perception that they are gonna lose their guns in the Second. It’s like something John Cleese would think of after eating too much cheese.

The conclusion? When you think of individuals like Rosa Parks, alsothink about modern social patriots such as Colin Kaepernick. Ignore the dictatorial rumblings coming from Washington and the mania of those burning sports footwear along with their books; the anti-Kaepernick Klan is as patriotic to the United States as McDonald’s is a friend to cows. If after reading all of this you still decide that destroying some mass-produced sweatshop apparel is the way to go, I respect your decision to do so, but you also might want to stop making your eighth coffee quite so strong.

 The 25^th Amendment. What 25^th Amendment?

Amid rumors that officials inside the Trump White House are considering triggering the 25^th amendment to relieve the president of his duties, Sarah Sanders took to the press podium to reject the claims and to remind the nation that there are only 12 amendments, not 25 (with the second being that only one that really matters).

“The fact that that’s actually being honestly discussed is ridiculous,” commented Sanders; the choice of the word, “honestly” perhaps revealing more than the White House intended. “[F]rankly, it’s insulting to the nearly 897 million people who came out and overwhelmingly supported this president, voted for him, supported his agenda and are watching and cheering on, some of whom aren’t even figments of our imagination.”

The revolutionary whispers have been flirting with the halls of government for months, but recently reemerged in force in the form of an anonymous op-ed published in The New York Times. And speaking of which…

Get a Lodestar of This

Kirk Douglas fans everywhere will be thrilled to hear that their 1960 Kubrick hero, Spartacus, has been given a 21^st century makeover. Known as #IAmLodestar, this latest reimagining of the Thracian revolutionary’s famous cry of support, “I’m Spartacus!” comes from the heart of Capitol Hill, and is being led against the American Caesar, Donald “Dubiousodus” Trump by a very powerful, but also very anonymous, revolutionary. Earlier in the month, an unsigned op-ed was delivered to the news desk of The New York Times that ripped the administration asunder. However, the anonymity of the piece might have been compromised by one term that appeared within the main body of the text: lodestar. Aside from a handful of goat farmers in Idaho, only one person uses “lodestar” in everyday parlance, and that person is Vice President Mike Pence. With the sheep out of the sack, a scramble ensued to maintain whatever secrecy that might be left, with fleeing Republicans hollering, “I’m Lodestar!” as they began to search for lifeboats on a sinking ship. However, I suspect that the author of the op-ed was a little more cunning than to give away such a clue (unless they are double-double dipping, the sneaky rascal), which leads me to conclude that all this is the handiwork of someone else entirely. And it can only be one person: Kirk Douglas’ son, Michael, in a publicity stunt ahead of his upcoming movie, A Life in the Shadow: Me, My Dad and His Career.

Lies, Damn Lies and CNN

Washington D.C. (Donald’s Crib) — According to a September 10 report published by CNN, President Trump’s approval rating has fallen 6 points in the past month and stands at an all-time low among independents. However, while the fake news machine did not report was who was polled to attain the skewed results, an undercover journalist at FOX News (the last bastion of white hope and fact) has exposed the levels of deceit to which some will stoop to undermine the president. In an exclusive report, it has been revealed that not only did CNN spend time speaking with naturalized foreign aliens, but also those who don’t believe in white Jesus, as well as the insignificant percentage of the nation that can’t remember a time when television wasn’t always in color. Furthermore, CNN invested energies in courting the opinion of unicorns, and even sent a correspondent to Atlantis to chat with a league of far-left centaurs. It has even been rumored that CNN went so far as to try to bring Stalin and Pontius Pilot back from the dead to survey their anti-American agendas, but decided to keep that piece of witchcraft in place for their annual War on Christmas.

Tremendously Big, Tremendously Wet

Trumpington, East Carolina – As Hurricane Florence battered, bashed, blew and sucked at the residents of the Atlantic Seaboard, modern-day hero president Donald Trump donned his finest golden oilskins and headed south to offer his unique skillset to the stricken region.

Speaking to the 17 gathered masses and their dogs, the president explained: “This hurricane was the biggest weather system the world has ever seen. Bigger than the Great Flood. Bigger than the tsunami that killed the dinosaurs. All I can say was it was tremendously big and tremendously wet, and it hit me hard. Real hard.”

The president continued: “But I’m a man of action, and in a situation as damp as this, we need some heat. Big heat. Thankfully, I’m an excellent source of hot air, and by blowing each and every single one of you, we’ll able to relieve the pressure of this moist, hard-hitting weather system in a flash.”

Whether those who weathered the weather can weather the president’s storm (y) front remains unresolved at time of print.