Love in Lockdown: Dealing with conflict and bedroom boredom

Dear Spyce,

My boyfriend and I have differing opinions on many things, which is usually ok, but in current times, it feels like our differing opinions are a matter of life or death! I am a schoolteacher, and have been stuck at home for the last few months in front of a computer, something I’m not used to. He is an essential worker, and so while he’s not socializing, he has been out of the house daily and seeing people. A few friends and I wanted to do a socially distanced girls night, and he is adamantly opposed, which I don’t think is fair. I feel like he doesn’t trust me to do the right thing, and I feel like I’m going crazy without social interaction!

Crazy with Corona

Hey Crazy,

Just to be very clear, you are definitely not the only person going a wee bit mad in this lockdown. We are all being asked to bring our best selves to the situation, and live life in a way that we aren’t comfortable with, or used to in the slightest. To say it’s difficult is an understatement, and we all need to cut ourselves, and each other, some slack. 

While I won’t personally take a stand on either side of this argument, I think what it comes down to is your level of communication within the relationship, and a hard look at how you handle things when conflict does arise. You mentioned that you typically agree, but there must be some times when you don’t, and looking to those times can be a key to what has worked in the past with difference of opinion. 

For example, does one of you badger the other until they cave and give in? Does one of you stay angry and not talk to the other until you get your way? Do you approach each other with anger or compassion, facts or manipulation? Having an honest discussion with each other about your personal needs and wants in the situation in an open and loving way where you can see each other’s points of views, honor and respect them, even if you don’t agree, will go a long way to reaching a harmonious agreement that you can both live with, and be safe and healthy in the process. Good luck!

Hey Spyce,

My partner and I have found that after working from home, endless Zooms and depressing news articles, we don’t have a ton of motivation left to leap into sexy time. We’ve tried date nights and semi-spontaneous afternoon romps, but they feel a bit forced and sometimes that can take the real excitement out of it. I’m wondering if you have tips for what we can do to bring the sexy back when we are cooped up together all day, everyday, with no end in sight? 

Signed,

Losin the Itch in Lockdown

Hi Itchless,

Well unfortunately I can’t tell you to take some space from each other so that you bring the spark back in, so we will have to test out some other techniques to help you kids get the urge to get it on. While we are all stuck at home, it can actually be a perfect time to do some sexploration, but as you mentioned, with everything else going on, it can be difficult to create that desire.

So first off, remove the “goal” of having to have sex. Making it something that has to be done really takes the joy out of it, so let’s just get that off the table right now. Then to start, explore other ways that you can connect physically, such as taking a bath or shower together, or trading massages without having the endgame of sex in sight. There are so many classes online these days that you can certainly find something on sensual massage (maybe even free!) that can show you some new techniques.
Then let me ask you this: Have there been any fantasies that you’ve wanted to explore, but you either haven’t had the time, or the gumption to ask your partner about? This could be a great time to slap on those big girl panties and let your partner know exactly how you want those panties slapped on or ripped off. And while porn may have a negative stigma in some circles, I find it to be a great way to get ideas, and get the juices flowing when viewed with a lover.

You mentioned date night, but have you gone all out? Dress for your partner as if you are going out someplace fancy. Do it up! Getting out of those yoga pants will do wonders to put you in another state of mind. And then maybe put yourself in another space in your house. Get out of the bedroom! Turn your living room into a spa or a tropical paradise. It’s amazing what just shutting down the computer, turning off your phones and putting on some candles and incense can do for your libido.