Advice with Spyce: Texting relationships and condom free in corona

Dear Spyce,

I met this guy online and we immediately hit it off. We exchanged numbers and started texting, pretty quickly getting to the point where we were texting all day, every day. Because of quarantines and such, we weren’t able to meet up for a few weeks, but by that time, I felt like we knew each other pretty well. So finally the day arrived. I was ready with my hand sanitizer and mask, and we found a place to meet outdoors. And it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great. First off, he didn’t sound like I thought he would, and the conversation just didn’t flow the way it does in text. He was cute enough, but I didn’t feel the wow that I was expecting. I made my way through the date, but figured that would be the end of it. But as soon as we parted, he started texting again and it felt good again. So now I’m confused. Are we just better off as text friends, and never taking this to the next level? 

Just Not That Into Him

Dear Just,

Ah, you trespassed over one of my most important dating rules! DON’T START A TEXT RELATIONSHIP! Yes I know that everyone wants to just text like rabbits and “get to know” each other virtually, but there are some people who are great writers, and then are just not great talkers. When you connect so deeply via text without ever even hearing someone’s voice, the cadence, the tilt, the tone, you can build up all kinds of ideas of how they will sound when you do finally get to hear the silk of their words caressing your ears. But until you actually see them talking, you don’t even know if they look funny when they say certain words, or have a strange tic.
But to be fair, I’m sure there was a lot of pressure from both of you for this to be the perfect meeting, and if stars didn’t shoot out of your eyes and puppies and kittens didn’t drop out of the heavens as soon as you saw each other (from 6 feet away of course), it can be natural to feel like something was wrong. When in fact, real connection takes time, and it can be a good while before you feel comfortable with someone in live skin-covered human form when you only have a disembodied fantasy text version of them in your mind.

Here’s the thing: he’s still the same person, and the things that he said to you should still hold the same weight. Maybe try to be more relaxed with the situation, and he can relax as well. Try video chatting to get more comfortable with each other’s faces. Great connection is hard to come by, and it would be a shame to throw it away without fully giving it an opportunity to mature. 

Dear Spyce,

How do I respond to a partner who doesn’t believe we should bother practicing safe sex during COVID? We started dating right before the pandemic hit and we both got negative STI/STD tests then. We haven’t been seeing other people, so he says there’s no point of using condoms, as I can’t get pregnant. I can see his point, but it is so foreign to me to skip condoms until I’m very serious with a partner. I don’t want to hurt him, but it just feels too fast. Advice?

Condom Free Corona Love

Dear CRCL,

As much as I can see his point when it comes to the safety aspect as well, it really comes down to what you are comfortable with. You have a right to have your wishes respected, even if someone doesn’t like them. There’s no reason that he should take it personally, and if he does, that’s on him. 

I think the intriguing question could be for you to look at exactly why you don’t feel okay with it. It sounds like the condom free situation signifies to you an emotional connection that you don’t yet feel with this person. Could it also be that it makes you question the relationship, and if it’s what you truly want? Does it point out other inconsistencies or red flags in the relationship? 

Our uncomfortable feelings are always indicative of something when we look underneath the surface, so I would say to pop the lid off and take a deeper look as to where your feelings for not wanting to get more intimate with him come from. 

While they may be pointing toward something in the relationship, they may also be pointing to something deeper in yourself that can lead to introspection and deeper clarity. Either way, it sounds like this could be a great opportunity for you to discover what you really are desiring, and approach it without guilt or remorse from that place. 

Good luck!