Greetings, denizens of our infinitesimal state! I, H.L. Popinjay, have had a change of heart this past fortnight. This week, rather than continue to
fill the pages of this news-paper with corrosive bile and accusatory pap, I have endeavored to make my column a space for insipid and platitudinous
self-help vulgarity! In this spirit, I offer two shining examples of inspirational figures to fill the wretched hearts of my readers with a sour admixture of envy and loathing.
First, Rhode Island’s lone billionaire, Jonathan Nelson. When life handed him lemons (a global pandemic, economic crisis and worldwide suffering), he made lemonade ($180 million dollars). By my calculations, that’s north of $100,000 an hour. Surely the more than 20,000 Rhode Islanders on unemployment and the more than 40,000 behind on their rent will take succor from Nelson’s success, which is doubtless the result of hard work and “elbow grease,” rather than clear evidence of a bleak, rotten and morally reprehensible economic system. As a cat I saw on a poster once told me, “Hang in there!”
Secondly, myself! For I, Horace L. Popinjay, am throwing my large brass diving helmet in the ring to be your humble state’s next Lieutenant Governor. The job seems to hold no responsibilities and require no talent, meeting my ideal conditions for employment. Until such time, I remain,
Your Humble Columnist,
H.L. Popinjay