The Cabinet

Salutations doddypolls and jobbernowls! As regular readers of this column are aware, I am writing this dispatch from my underwater lair in the year 2121 — an algae encrusted pyramidical structure 100 fathoms beneath the sea, which was once the Apex.

As such, 21st century terrestrial concerns such as “air quality,” “bridges on fire” or “plastic straw legislation,” have a kind of quaint ring to them. 

Still, your dogged correspondent, ever the empath, can imagine the wrenched heartstrings of long-time residents upon seeing the Crook Point Bascule Bridge go up in flames this week. The bridge, which has been stuck in the open position since it was abandoned in 1976, has long been an icon of charming uselessness, urban decay and esoteric nostalgia — three core Rhode Island values. The recent conflagration is more evidence for a fundamental truth I call Popinjay’s Law — just because something’s broken doesn’t mean you can’t ruin it. 

Which brings us to the last night of the legislative session. State lawmakers gave the green light to a highly contested medical waste-burning plant, which will release all manner of lovely compounds into the West Warwick air. My advice to residents is to stock up on oxygen — the reserves will keep you in good stead once you live beneath the sea. 

Until such time, I remain,

H.L. Popinjay