Dear Spyce,
When I grew up, in romantic situations guys leaned in for a kiss, made the move and then… either magic or a slap in the face. Nowadays that seems to be not just wrong, but possibly illegal! Any advice on what I can do to not get slapped…with a lawsuit?
Sincerely,
– an OK Boomer
Dear Sir,
This is quite the question for our times, and as a strong powerful woman who believes strongly in the power of consent, I must tread lightly. But as a kick ass Gen X chick who wants to be thrown down and get it given to me good, I also must voice my opinion and state things as I see them, even at the risk of sounding like an old fart, or even worse, an OK Boomer.
So here it goes.
People nowadays are too darn sensitive. You really have to walk a fine line between offending someone and turning them on. Back in my day…well ok, I grew up on movies like Porky’s and Fast Times so what the hell do I know…
But the good news is, there are ways to have a high level of consent, and make sure that everyone is doing exactly what they want, AND still make things super sexy. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out (although my friend who is dating an actual rocket scientist waxes poetic about his love-making skills), but it does take a certain level of panache and finesse. While that might seem tiresome to all you horny fossils out there, it’s worth it in the end to make sure you end up getting screwed in only the best way possible.
Now call me a basic bitch if you must, but I have to say that I’ve never been a fan of the constant inquiry at every turn. “Is this ok, is that ok, still ok?” That’s so millennial speak! I don’t want to hear your man bun questioning at every moment; it kinda takes me out of the sexiness of what’s going on, when I just want to be relaxed and pounded good.
But as mentioned, consent is important. I don’t want anyone to think that’s NOT the case. So the crux is about getting the consent out of the way, and then going balls deep (if that’s what you’re into).
Rather than going in for the spontaneous kiss, how about acknowledging sooner than later that there’s a level of attraction there, and expressing your desire for wanting to explore it, in a mature and consensual way? Have an in-depth conversation about your own desires, and give the other person an open platform to discuss theirs.
Now, people might worry that this isn’t sexy, and if we talk about it, then the other person will have doubts and not just go with it. But that’s exactly where we get into trouble.
Back in the day, before there was all this talk of healthy boundaries, clear communication, and safe sex conversations, we were given the idea that there were two players in this party game. The Initiator, whose job it was to push it (push it good) as far as possible until you get a firm and resounding no. As The Initiatee, the constant battle is in your head:“How far do I let them go before I am supposed to feel disrespected, or before I’m ensuring that they will never call me again?”
That game is one where no one comes out a winner, and it can lead to heartache, feelings of violation, and possible police reports. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
So you gotta talk it all out first, explore every emotional nook and cranny, or at least have a basic idea of what’s on the menu before you dive in hungry.
Of course, either party still has the ability to change their mind at any time, and hopefully having these kinds of conversations up-front opens up the lines of communication for a more comfortable interaction later on in the night when you’re high on oxytocin and genitalia.
So you see, Boomer, there is a healthy middle ground to all of this. All you need to do is up-level your communication skills. Talk about all of it… in the beginning. Get consent, lots of it, upfront. And then, if they’re ok with it, you can proceed with a passionate and spontaneous experience, without having to ask for permission at every stroke.
Love, Spyce
Dear Spyce,
What do we do with maybes? Everyone talks about the fuck yes/fuck no distinction. Fuck no is easy, I don’t have a problem with that. But fuck yes happens to me never. I have had hot, intense fast-burn relationships based off chemistry that seemed like “fuck yes,” and then I’ve had people that I grew to love and form long-term stable relationships with that never started as “fuck yes” either. Fuck Yes as a guide feels inaccessible to me. So in my dating process I’m left with some solid “maybes” but I feel like that’s not good enough. Shouldn’t I know right off the bat if it’s a Fuck No or Yes, like everyone else seems to?
Signed, Fuck If I Know
Dearest FIIK,
I have to tell you, this is very refreshing, and here’s the reason why. Since the whole F No/Yes concept was brought out into the great wide open, I have always been on the side of, “what the heckadoodle about the Fuck Maybe?”
I’ve specifically taught about it in my Healthy Boundaries courses as I truly believe that this is an important part of having clear boundaries and being able to speak to them in a concise way.
While I understand that the concept of fuck no or yes is geared towards trusting your gut, which I wholeheartedly subscribe to, I also think that we put too much pressure on ourselves to know exactly what we want in every scenario right away, and put pressure on ourselves to act accordingly immediately.
People may be an F Yes at first because they are someone who does not like to disappoint others, and so they say F Yes at first, only to cancel later after they’ve had time away with themselves to get clear on what they really want, and realize that they are not being true to their actual desires.
As you mentioned, there’s pure old lust disguised as F Yes, but once things settle down, you realize that you were once again duped by the Fuck No Fairy, and it’s time to move on.
Now you mentioned F No being easy, and that is the case for some. But if we are to take a deeper look at that, you might be immediately putting up the wall of F No because you’re afraid of being hurt, taken advantage of, or maybe not being able to assert a boundary later on, so it’s easier to just not get involved from the beginning. While the scenario on hand may in fact not be a good situation for you, if you don’t have time to fully evaluate that because you feel pressured to know immediately which way your fuck is going, you might wind up losing out on a very good thing.
So that’s why I think the F Maybes come in very handy, and can have their place to shine. Those sweet F Maybes buy you time, that precious commodity, to tune in your deeper desires, and really evaluate where you are with someone or something, as opposed to just giving an off the cuff answer that may or may not be what you truly feel.
It’s always ok to take a step back and keep your own sovereignty intact, and there’s never a need for pressure (from yourselves or others) to go either way with something until you are 100% ready. So relax, and exercise your right for a healthy FUCK MAYBE!
Love, Spyce
