All’s Fair?: Two readers find out that maybe not all is fair when it comes to love

Dear Spyce,

I’m finding myself attracted to my best friend’s brother and I don’t know what to do about it. I have known him for many years, but never really saw him in this light. But recently that’s changed, and I can’t get him out of my mind. I don’t want to make things awkward for my best friend, but I am the kind of person who likes to go for it when I feel things, so I’m contemplating letting him know. Do you think this is an ok plan?

He’s my Best Friend’s Brother, not girl

Hi there,

Ah, the brotherly love … I know it well! There have definitely been some times in my life when I’ve had a wonderful friend who I loved spending time with and then … I met their brother, a total hunk of a sexy package. As a matter of fact, I met my very own husband through knowing his brother, so I’d say this is a subject that’s close to my heart. 

What to do?

It is true that people do tend to feel a little protective of their siblings for one reason or another. It could be based on their relationship with their sibling. There is often a dynamic that goes on within families that only the members of said family are privy to, and you may not know the full story of what’s happening. They may not want to see their sibling get hurt, or they may know that their sibling is a player and they may not want to see you get hurt. Has this happened before with them? Have other friends or lovers gotten between them?

There could be some jealousy in the dynamic as well. Maybe your friend could want something like you could have with their brother, or maybe they want something like what their brother could have with you. Or maybe their brother has stolen their best friend before and they are afraid of being cut out of the loop. 

It could also very well be that your bestie would be thrilled to have you as their in-law, or closer to the family, and they might be all for it. 

It’s a bit tricky to understand or know for sure. 

That being said, the only way to really determine what the situation is or could be, is to get more information. Since you are not a shy person, this should not be difficult for you. But if you want to go into this a bit more covertly so as not to stir the pot if it’s going to wind up creating a stew that you soon realize you don’t have an appetite for, you can approach it a slightly more inquisitive way. 

To me, the first order of business would be to find out more about the brother himself so you can learn if he’s even interested and/or available to connect with you. No reason to get too deeply into things if that’s not even feasible. Then I’d start inquiring with your best friend. There is much information that you can glean by simply being inquisitive and “making conversation.” Since I’m a relationship coach, it’s always easy for me to get into a discussion about some aspect of romance, but even if you’re not, it doesn’t mean that you can’t ask some pertinent questions of your own. 

Maybe start with someone simple like, “Hey, I’m going to screw your brother, you’re cool with that, right?” LOL, I kid! Do not say that! Just talk in more general terms to take the temperature of the situation. That way you can find out if you’re in for a shitstorm, or bright and sunny days.

Xoxo

Spyce 

Dear Spyce,

So I had a video first date planned with a guy. I Facetime him and he picks up while driving. I say, hey its ok, just call me when you get home. So he calls when he arrives but then the video date is him talking while he is unloading the car, putting away the groceries, basically just him walking around multitasking. I just found myself getting offended. This is shitty behavior … right?

WTF Watcher

Hello!

Wow, just wow. Yes, that IS absolutely shitty behaviour! And it’s a great way to let someone know that you have your head up your ass, which is probably why you’re all shitty! 

Ok, you’re busy, we get it. You’re casual, oh so cashz, that’s cool, right? 

Um no. It’s not cool, it’s disrespectful. It would be one thing if you were old friends, or had already spent some time together and were dating, but that’s really not how you make a first impression. So my first thought would be to drop him and move on. However, there is a gray area here, as there almost always is. 

Not to make excuses for the dude, but maybe he is really bad at time management and maybe he thinks he’s doing the upstanding thing by trying to fit you into his busy schedule. Or maybe he’s just super duper clueless and doesn’t realize that this could make someone feel invalidated and unprioritized. Or maybe he’s a dumb douchnozzle.

But the only way to know for sure is to look deeper.

IF you want to. Because I’m sure as shit not going to tell anyone that they have to engage if they don’t want to. However, if you feel like he has some redeeming qualities and/or you just want some practice being clear with your wants and needs, this could be a good time for some clear communication. 

For example, try saying to him something like this: “It’s hard for me to engage and get to know you properly while you’re doing other tasks. Is there another time that would be better for you when we can reschedule and I can have your full attention?” 

In this scenario you are having a mature and candid discussion addressing your concerns. If he cannot see your side of things, he isn’t worth the time and you can move on feeling content knowing you at least made the effort.

We expect that there are basic rules of consideration, and while that is true, this one teeters on the brink of maybe he’s just unaware and/or run for the hills. You won’t really know for sure until you inquire more deeply, so if that feels good to you, that would be where I’d go! 

Best of luck!

Spyce