AltFacts: Pardon Me, Ma’am!: Invasions from all sides, and free ammo with purchase

Let Me Acosta You! Trump Isn’t A Sex Pest … It’s ALL CNN

GroßAmerikkkan Reichstag, Washington, DC – The left has been falsely accusing president Trump of sexual misconduct ever since he announced his candidacy for office. Aided by Al Qaeda double agent and former president Saddama Obama, liberals have paid false witnesses to bring spurious allegations against President Trump with the intention of besmirching the president’s good name with bogus accusations of sexual harassment and rapacious delinquency. But finally, right in front of everyone at a formal press conference, the left slipped-up … and we have it on video. Without shame or control, disgraced CNN hack Jim Acosta sexually assaulted a White House intern just moments after he volleyed a deluge of mainstream media abuse at the president. The young woman, a beautiful white American, had been asked to remove the microphone from Mr. Acosta to prevent further dishonest commentary, whereupon he started to grope the intern’s supple, lily white skin. Acosta (who is the son of a Cuban immigrant), is predisposed to pursue white women for sexual gratification, one of the many critical drawbacks of minority populations. Naturally, the left countered Acosta’s gross misconduct with ridiculous accusations that the video was doctored. Claims include the administration adding additional frames to the footage, as well as slowing the film to suggest the contact lasted far longer than it did. It’s baffling, really; if anything is for certain, it is that President Trump and his administration are as trustworthy as it gets…

Thanks for Reading, ProJo!

In the previous edition of AltFacts, the column toyed with the idea of ignoring the gun violence crisis and mused what would happen if we all drank the crazy juice and stockpiled firearms instead. And it seems that The Providence Journal took our musings to heart. Mere days after the synagogue shooting in Pittsburg, Rhody’s wannabe broadsheet was distributed with a square advertisement affixed to the front page, upon which was written:

“FREE BOX OF AMMO WITH EVERY GUN PURCHASE (WHILE SUPPLIES LAST) GRAND OPENING TODAY!”

I mean, good people of ProJo, thanks for reading the column (you have to learn good journalism somewhere, I suppose), but you didn’t have to build an AltFacts shrine in the shape of a brand-new gun store as well. Not that I don’t appreciate it; it is very kind of you to affront your 70,000 readers with such monumental thoughtlessness (on the very same day your headline was about the Tree of Life shooting), but maybe there is a more effective way of achieving the same goal? Gun demonstrations at a daycare (with free copies of the paper), for example. Start them young. They’re easier to manipulate that way. Just ask the priesthood!

Coming soon in The Providence Journal: “Head in the Sand 2018: Keeping Massacres Alive” and “California: Why the Thousand Oaks Shooting Never Happened”

Wimmen, Injuns and Terrrirists

The United States no longer wants to be great. In a disappointing show by the American people, the nation elected a slew of minorities to positions of power for which none of them are adequately qualified. More women will serve in Congress than ever before, with 118 seats set to be cheapened by endless complaining and monthly blood loss from a hoard of hyped-up broads. Worse, two of the dames are from Red Indian tribes, which goes to show Manifest Destiny didn’t do a good enough job when it had the chance. Worse still, a further two of them are Arabs; a pair of ham-fisted Muslims with names I can’t even pronounce (Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar). But there’s more! Rumor has it that some 17 of the 87,000,000 ISIS members in the immigrant caravan marauding toward the southwest border have been elected to local council positions in Nevada’s 36^th District. However, Fox News has managed to confirm that Satan himself entered into an agreement with Hilary’s emails (yep, some of you are still chirping on about this) in order to secure the governorship of Colorado for that gay guy who won it. And speaking of gay guys, one of those Indians is a gay woman! A gay Indian?! Who ever heard of a gay Indian?! This is the end of freedom y’all … if you need me, I’ll be in rural Idaho with a box of ammo and 30 gallons of Bud Light (FTS). Shout-out to my man, Republican hero Michael Kalny of Shawnee, Kansas, who said the Indian women “would be sent back to the reservation.” You defend that flag, brother!