Advice From the Trenches

Hooked on Hannah: She’s bad, but so good!

Dear C and Dr B; 

My girlfriend Hannah is smart and beautiful, but very distracting. She drinks a lot and probably smokes too much weed; she’s kind of crazy in a way. She has no interest in school. I realize she is not a good influence on me – I’m a top student, and my grades dropped last semester when we started dating. Everyone I know says I should break up with her. Here’s the problem: The sex is just too good. I’ve been with a few other women who were obviously more suited to me, both intellectually and interest wise, and the sex was okay with them, but with Maggie… WOW. She’s kind of kinky; with her, sex always feels sort of forbidden, like when I was first starting out. Compared to her, other women are just boring. I would try to stay interested, but honestly, they just didn’t do it for me. 

So, here’s my question. Why is it that those crazy people who aren’t good for us are so much hotter? They just seem to be so much more uninhibited and imaginative in bed. Just not sure about the future of the relationship.

Hooked on Hannah 

Dr. B says: I don’t see a future here, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy it for now, just use a condom. Everyone is good for something. A uninhibited person is fun but inconsistent, and that is no basis for a relationship. Beware: It can be addicting and all drugs are the same – great for a while, then not so. Life has to entirely revolve around the person or drug and there is no room for anyone else. You will get swallowed alive, and you as an individual will cease to exist. Your “boring other woman who you relate to” will require a give and take relationship. You won’t be able to entirely lose yourself in them, as you do with Hannah; that would just turn them off. A real relationship takes work. Drugs are just self indulgent fantasy. You need to develop the skills to be in a relationship. This is not likely to happen with your current girlfriend.  

C says: Your name says it all, Hooked. Hannah is your drug, and the effect that she has on your life will be remarkably similar. I’m guessing you’re still in the honeymoon phase of something that could get ugly. People like Hannah are not better at sex because they’re crazy. They’re better at sex because they put the same energy and concentration into it that you put into your education and career, probably because it’s the best they’ll ever have to offer. It’s their primary talent, their art if you will. They use it like rich people use money — to manipulate and get what they want. 

I used to be a self defense instructor who worked with battered women. Most of them came from relationships that featured a male partner who, like Hannah, was incredibly exciting in bed; they all said that no one had ever made them feel that way before. Alas, the same men were also controlling and would become abusive if their demands and needs weren’t met. The women all knew they should leave, but their partners were never just abusive … the men would follow the beatings with caresses and apologies and a bunch of “why did you make me hit you, you know I worship you,” crap. Then, of course, the sex would be better than ever. But here’s something you should NEVER forget – if someone can make you feel pleasure, that is a control that they have over you. In the hands of a loving partner, this pleasure can be part of your bond with each other. In the hands of a selfish abuser, it is has the potential to destroy your life. You will return to the pleasure over and over, no matter how much it hurts you in other ways. The fact that you are considering holding on to Hannah even as your grades, and your future, go downhill, shows that you are already addicted. And what is she offering in return? Just herself – a lush with no sense of responsibility who is going to need you to pay her bills while she parties.

Honestly? I’d dump her. 

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