May Holidays, Ranked: What’s the best holiday in May?

Alright, Motif readers, it’s time we got to the bottom of the burning question we all ask ourselves once the 5th month of the year comes around — what’s the best holiday in May? 

At first you might think, what holidays are even in May? But quickly after that, you realize that there’s a whole bunch of holidays in the domains of Taurus and Gemini, and someone needs to rank them. That’s a service we will now aim to provide. 

Without further ado, here are the holidays in May, ranked: 

Number 5: National Clean Your Room Day: May 10, 2022

Coming in at the bottom of this list is National Clean Your Room Day. Ugh. Do we even have to say more? Do we really need a day to hold ourselves accountable for cleaning our rooms? This day just adds an extra dollop of shame on those people who can’t find their shoes in the morning because they’re buried under yesterday’s outfit… and maybe some clean clothes they haven’t put away yet… and maybe the popcorn bowl from the movie I watched last night. Whatever. It’s fine. I’m a busy person and it’s not that big of a deal if my room isn’t clean. Get out of my head, National Clean Your Room Day!

Number 4: Cinco de Mayo: May 5, 2022

Yes, I said it. Cinco de Mayo is taking the bottom half of this list. Why is that? Patience, dear reader, I will explain: 

Cinco de Mayo is often celebrated as the day Mexico gained independence from Spain, and an occasion for Rhode Islanders to don sombreros, drink margaritas and desecrate the Spanish language to the waitstaff at Tortilla Flats. The problem is that Mexican Independence Day is actually on September 16 – Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexican victory at the Battle of Puebla over the French – and the holiday masquarades as a celebration of Mexican culture when it’s actually just a day to push drink specials. American capitalism wins again, folks. 

Also, before you grab your maracas and fake mustache, ask yourself: What would Frida do? 

Number 3: Star Wars Day: May 4, 2022

Star Wars Day! Now we are getting into some of the good ones. May the fourth was chosen as Star Wars Day because if Han Solo spoke with a lisp, he would have said “May the fourth be with you.” This is kind of a new holiday, about a decade in the making, but this Assistant Editor is excited to see it take off and try to make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs. 

Another reason May 4th is special is because it’s the day RI declared independence from Great Britain in 1776, two months before the rest of the colonies signed the Declaration of Independence. How the heck could the smallest colony in the union afford to do that? Because it had… erm… “international trade relationships.” (It was the transatlantic slave trade, y’all.)

Number 2: Mother’s Day: May 8, 2022

Mother’s Day takes the #2 spot because it’s another Hallmark holiday attempting to squeeze a profit out of anyone who has a mother (and it’s my understanding that most people do). But, at the same time, it’s Mom, and we have to appreciate her at least one day of the year, right? I mean, she did birth us. Take her out to brunch. Get her some flowers. Or at least give her a call. Listen to that story about a funny thing she saw on Facebook for the second time, or about something absurd the neighbor said. 

That’s the first weekend in May this year, by the way — don’t forget! 

Number 1: Memorial Day: May 30, 2022

Alright everyone, here’s the real deal. Memorial Day is the best May holiday. It’s later in the month … to build up … anticipation. Low expectations, grilling, beaching even though it’s probably still too cold to swim, and maybe at least one moment of: What are we celebrating again? Veterans? I’m sure that shotgunning White Claws in the Scarborough parking lot is exactly what our forefathers at Normandy would have wanted. That’s real freedom right there. 

It’s even a bank holiday, so make sure you take care of all of your banking in advance. I’m getting my deposit slips ready as we speak. It’s a memorial day memory tradition.

Have a fabulous May!