more satire! more humor! no opinion!

A Satirical Note on the Satirical Note

We were surprised to  find that a gremlin tagged the end of our last column with the following disclaimer:

“This column is satire, not fact-based reporting. The opinions expressed here do not necessarily represent those of Motif and it is not guaranteed to be funny.”

As a famed banjo playing jester once proclaimed, “Well excuuuuuuuse me!”

Apparently, at least one reader needs a brief lesson on the form. Our comp-u-tionary defines “satire” as:  “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.”

Our column is 100% fact-based.

Here at Squid’s Ink, we pride ourselves on plucking the ripest and most obvious idiocies and dishing them up with a smidge of sarcasm, a twist of bile, and a smattering of wordplay. Then we might hammer on some embellishment and a bit of hyperbole. We don’t promise laughs, but we do hope to wring a smile, wince, guffaw, and the occasional spurt of coffee through the nose. 

We are, however, outraged that anyone actually thought that our column was opinion. Our job isn’t to editorialize but to inflate, deflate, and beat the dead horses within an inch of their lives.

From time to time, we’ve had discussions with the editorial department about mincing our words and tempering our barbs.

“Some people might be offended…”

Well, yes. That’s the point. One of our goals is to offend just about everybody – left, right, and ambidextrous.

Dying to Get Into Congress?

We will, from time to time,invent quotes and interview elusive spokespeople, who will spout well-meaning blather.

In fact, one of our favorite sources, Ima Freud, actually declared that shHe was running for Congress. You will note, however, that thHey didn’t manage to pull enough signatures to make the ballot.

“We had a whole roster of dead signatories,” Freud said. “But then, Sabina Matos’ campaign hired our consultant. We wish her well.”

 The Right of the Left to Leave the Right

The Providence Journal recently reported that the Providence Democratic Socialists of America broke up with the Democratic Party? Who can blame them? Here in RI, Dems often are anti-abortion and pro-gun. The Journal went on to claim that the organization went on to cut their hair, and change their name to the Rhode Island DSA. In a rare scoop, we’ve found no evidence that’s actually true – their website is still, though Chrome gave us a warning that it’s a “Deceptive Site.”

In other news, the Right Wing Whack Job Gun Nut Party (RWWJGN) voted to keep its name, and gave a key to their bunker to State Senator Josh Miller.

Big Brother’s Watching Sips and Joints

Rep. Enrique Sanchez was caught caught on “Providence police body cam,” (a show soon to replace “Caught in Providence”) outside an “illegal sip joint.”

“Bill Clinton got away with not inhaling,” said Ima Freud, spokesperson for Spokesperson’s Inc. “But now that marijuana is legal, it’s imperative that authorities intervene by publicly shaming politicians who claim to sip instead of toke, vape, or hit the bong.”

It’s A Republican Plot

Governor Dan McKee continues to deny any culpability for the Cranston Street Armory imbroglio. No, he didn’t tell the idiots in his administration to ask for bribes. And no, he didn’t ask who paid for his lunch meeting with Scout, the Philadelphia-based company that signed a deal to redevelop the beautiful but empty building.

Jeff Britt said that the food was good,” said Ima Freud, Chief Dissembler for the Governor’s Office. “He didn’t say anything about meeting with clients. Nobody carries cash anymore, and our state credit card was maxed out, so Jeff paid. He’s just a humble political power-broker, otherwise nobody would hire him.”

No Storage! No Homeless! No Deals!

The Providence City Council both passed a bill banning development of new storage units and attacked developer Buff Chase’s tax deal with the city that would have included low-income housing.

Mayor Brett Smiley shook his head and said, “Hey, we’re trying to work it all out, and you guys are just messing things up!”

“Nonsense!” said Ima Freud, a volunteer for Housing the Houseless. “Homeless people push their stuff around in shopping carts, but if they had housing they wouldn’t be homeless…. Plus Buff’s got a bank. What does he need with more money? What we really want are storage units for the homeless! That we’ll give tax breaks for.”  •

Note: This column is satire, not fact-based reporting. The opinions expressed here do not necessarily represent those of Motif and are not guaranteed to be funny. The disclaimers are, though.