Squid's Ink

Squid’s Ink: 2024 Congressional Campaign Kickoff

Even more surprising than Gabe Amo’s victory in the September 5 Democratic primary for Congressional District 1 was the reaction of most of his competitors – “We’re not giving up!”

Lt. Governor Sabina Matos was the first to throw her hat into the ring for the 2024 race. “It’s all about picking the right staff,” she said. Matos was referring to one of her campaign-workers who was accused of falsifying signatures. “This time, I’m going to actually interview the people who are working for my campaign. We’ll have a buddy system, so that cheating will be harder.”

Former lt. governor candidate Aaron Regunberg also reversed his promise not to run again.
“No matter what he does in the next year,” Regunberg said, “Gabe Amo isn’t going to be as progressive as me. Bernie Sanders and Jane Fonda say so!”

When asked about the perception that voters were looking for something other than a privileged rich white man, Regunberg was quick to explain.

“I’m not white, I’m Jewish. And I’m thinking about becoming trans. Then my kid would have two mommies. Would that make people happy?”

“No Aaron, it would not!” said Stephanie Beauté in her 2024 kickoff announcement. “I’m an intelligent, articulate black woman. I’ve got a real job, and all I want is to make a difference in the world. How about you step aside?”

Providence City Councilor John Goncalves smiled, straightened his suit, and said, “I’m not corrupt. And because of that, I want to get out of Providence’s City Hall and do something bigger.”

Alan Waters, who had pinned his hopes on Independent Republicans, said, “Last time I was a Republican. This time I was a Democrat. Next time, I’m going to run in both primaries as a Demican or a Republicat. Or maybe I’ll just be an Independent. Yeah, that’ll work.”

From his bunker in South County, former state rep Spencer Dickenson shouted into a bullhorn, “We’re still going to build that road to Hartford! We’re going to get Gina for the pension scam. Watch out for the ducks!”

Current State Rep Stephen Casey just rolled his eyes. “Over the next year, I’m going to focus more on doing what I do best. Being a moderate moderating influence and walking on both sides of the fence.”
Don Carlson briefly came out of hiding and said, “I think a year’s long enough for people to forget that I never slept with any of my students.”

Only Walter Berbrick, Sandra Cano, and Ana Quezada declined to run again.

Ana Quezada also said something, but nobody was listening. She stomped her feet in frustration, but still nobody was listening.

“I’ve got a real life, a real job, and a real family,” Berbrick said. “This was a wild ride, but damn it was hard. I’m never going to do it again.”

Finally, Sandra Cano closed out the evening. “I’ve got a real job too. And I’m a state senator. That’s a lot of work. We’ll see how it goes. Maybe Jack Reed or Sheldon Whitehouse will decide to quit, and…”

Shortly before deadline, former congressman David Cicilline declared himself as an official write-in candidate for his former position.

“I made a terrible mistake,” Cicilline said. “The thing I loved best about Congress were the photo ops when I took credit for bringing taxpayer dollars back to Rhode Island. Giving away the foundation’s philanthropic money doesn’t bring the same rush.”

“You voted for me before, you can do it again!”

Reached for comment at his Pawtucket campaign headquarters, Gabe Amo just shook his head sadly. •

Note: This column is satire, not fact-based reporting. The opinions expressed here do not necessarily represent those of Motif and quotes are invented for satirical reasons and are not guaranteed to be funny. The disclaimers are, though.