Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Parades, Perplexity and Predictions

Sieg Heil!

Phillipe and Jorge are absolutely physically exhausted this week despite the daily attention of our masseurs, Romeo and Julian.

The cause of this distress is training for our roles in President Pussy-grabber’s military parade, which we find a bit ludicrous since The Donald’s father paid off a doctor to say that his chickenshit son couldn’t serve in the Vietnam War because he had bone spurs in his foot, which as we all know leave you practically totally debilitated. Also ludicrous is the fact that when questioned on the campaign trail about this affliction, the Orange Orangutan couldn’t even remember which foot the bone spurs were in. And trust P&J, anyone of that era who went through the draft lottery or was looking to avoid a trip to Saigon by whatever means will forever remember what kept them Stateside.

OK, back to our physical ordeal. We spent eight hours a day prepping for the upcoming delusional military show of force, currently embraced by such champions of liberty as Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un, by goose-stepping around the pool at Casa Diablo, and then thrusting our arms skyward in a fascist salute that would have brought tears to the eyes of Herr Hitler.

The total insanity of having a military parade is almost dwarfed by how much taxpayer money it will cost to put on. The jet fuel alone to bring tanks to DC is more than most of our readers earn in a year. No, make that 10 years.

But as La Prov has lost its bid for Amazon’s HQ2 site (and what an arrogant and offensive thing to call it HQ2 – which appropriately rhymes with “Eff you”) may we suggest that our capital host the military parade? It could proceed around Kennedy Plaza, with our armed services members in what we would assume would be full battle armor throwing loose cigarettes, coins and Subway discount coupons to the homeless who call that place their home. And Providence Mayor Jorge Elorza could reprise Michael Dukakis’ infamous photo taken on the turret of a tank wearing a helmet that was about 10 sizes too large. (See: Spaceballs, the movie in which Rick Moranis does a take-off on Darth Vader as the character “Dark Helmet” wearing a hat the size of a Crock-Pot.)

P&J Predict

Not that your superior correspondents want to steal any of (the late) Criswell’s thunder, but we predict that Mr. Microphone is about ready for a comeback. If you’re an older citizen of the US of A, like Phillipe & Jorge, you may remember this gizmo as a cheap plastic microphone one could hook up to an FM radio in order to broadcast as you drove past a lovely young lass, vitally important messages such as, “Hey, good lookin’. We’ll be back to pick you up later.”

We are unsure if the copyright on this product is still owned by Ronco, the home of Veg-O-Matic, Ginsu Knives and other memorable items, but we believe, if currently available, it would be as popular today as it was in its 1970s heyday (and just as annoying). Of course, rather than television commercials, it would be marketed using Facebook and YouTube. We believe the current president would be one of the first to use the new Mr. Microphone.

Send in the Clown

P&J rarely get ruffled by the most appalling news, intending to observe the absurdity of life on a day-to-day basis and laugh about it, but we finally reached a breaking point.

When you accuse lawmakers in Congress of being “treasonous” (a word he probably can’t spell) because they didn’t applaud during President Predator’s state of the union was laughable, and revealed what a different universe he lives in. As do his supporters.

We simply can’t understand all of these supposed “salt of the earth” white guys (Wardrobe, please place John Deere baseball hat on shaved head) that are always featured on TV newscasts defending our obviously quite insane president. Unless you are a blatant racist, which always speaks for itself. (And just for horribly inspired laughs, may we say some of our good friends are black. Or maybe they are just playing us, and think we are a-holes. That should keep us up all night questioning our integrity.)

P&J have spent a good deal of our lives on bar stools, for better or worse. And while we are fairly open-minded, we know what kind of male behavior (sorry girls, but most of you are 10 times more ethically decent than your average guy) can pass muster.

So how does a dickhead like Donald Trump get the support of the people who are supposed to be the most upstanding and most representative of America? Just for starters, were he to walk into a local bar anywhere, he would be laughed out of the room just based on his hair-do.

Why don’t any media interviewers ask these White Van Man supposedly iconic tough guys sucking down a shot and a beer how they would look upon someone like The Donald loudly boasting at the bar about grabbing their wife or daughter’s pussy? Or having him stiff them on a construction gig, for which this punk president is famous?

All these clowns have given us the worst president in history. Congratulations. Hope a tornado hits you soon, since it can’t be a result of non-existent global climate change.

Auntie Em! Auntie Em!

Kudos and Congrats

…to the recently resigned chair of the Providence Democratic City Committee, Patrick Ward, for proving that the leadership of his party can act just as stupidly as RI Republicans, like the extraordinarily retrograde GOP gubernatorial candidate, Joe Trillo. Ward apologized and resigned after posting a Facebook meme of a scene from “The Godfather, Part II” with Michael Corleone and Fredo Corleone, labeled “David” and “John,” respectively, interpreted as an anti-Italian slur against city councilors David Salvatore and John Iggliozzi. By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that Trillo has challenged perennial candidate, Chris Young, to a race to see which one can perambulate the farthest on their hind legs. As the slates for both major parties become more clear, we hope that voters are beginning to educate themselves on how to do a “write-in” ballot. This should be a big year for write-in votes here in the Ocean State.

On “Role Models”

The questionable behavior of those Providence teachers who showed up at the State of the City address a few weeks back illustrates how difficult it is these days for young people to find proper role models. It was reported that several hundred protestors filled City Hall and drowned out the mayor’s speech, forcing him to stop several times, repeat himself and shout to be heard. Obviously no one is looking toward elected officials, teachers and other sources from the past for inspiration. Woe is us in 2018 as we enter Bizarro World here in the land of the brave and the free. Sleep tight, readers, and work for cultural change while most of us are now working for what we used to call “chump change.”