Advice with Spyce: Sex frequency and sober dating

Dear Spyce,

My partner and I have been together about a year now, and it’s become apparent we have an addiction: We have to have sex every day, sometimes two or three times a day. No matter what we’re doing, we always can make time for sex. Is there such a thing as having too much sex? Could we wear ourselves out one day? As of now, we have the juice to keep ourselves going sexually; however, we wonder if we should refrain now and then to preserve our libido for the future. What is your opinion on this?

So Much Sexin

Dear SMS,

At a year into a relationship there is a still a great deal of endorphins running wild, and it’s normal for a couple to have sex as often as they are able. If you’re concerned about it stopping for physical reasons, don’t be! Our libidos aren’t banks, and anything you save for the future won’t accrue interest. The libido is like a fire, and as long as the fire is stoked, there will always be some embers burning. Our libidos are in the moment; desire has a specific need to be met at a precise time, and there’s no guarantee when that serpent of sexiness will arise again. If you feel like rubbing out a quickie and it’s not interfering with the things you need to get done, then do it! That will keep the hotness alive in your relationship more than squirreling it away into a sexual savings account. That will keep the hotness alive in your relationship more than squirreling it away into a sexual savings account. 

On the other hand, when you work in an ice cream shop, you can start to detest ice cream, and too much of any good thing is too much. But at this point, that’s not your concern. Don’t worry about how much sex you’re having until you’re not having enough.

Dear Spyce, 

So I just turned 33 and while I’ve had my fun with drinking in the past, this year I decided that I was gonna take a break from hitting the sauce. I don’t like the way I feel when I drink, or even more importantly, how I feel the next day, and with alcoholics in my family, I just feel like I need to take a break and get my head on straight. However, as a single woman in her mid 30s looking for a serious relationship, I’m finding it hard to navigate the world of dating without a few drinks in me. And I’m not even sure where to meet people in a culture where meeting for a drink is the first-date norm! I don’t really want to hang out in bars anymore, and Im not even sure if I want to date anyone who drinks. Do you have any suggestions for me? 

Sober Sally

Dear SS,

First off, congrats! You are now part of an esteemed crowd of people who actually remember the fun that they have, and tend to be sure that when they make a bad decision, it’s completely out of their own stupidity as opposed to that of the juice. So kudos!

But I understand your dilemma. Drinking is a huge part of social culture, and party ’til he’s cute is a well worn adage that has brought together many wonderful couples that may never have gone down that road without the help of this boozy bribe. Now that may not be a good thing, but friends (and friends with benefits) are created in neighborhood bars every day! 

So what to do when that crutch is not in your wheelhouse anymore? Well, first off, you may need to get some new hobbies and find different kinds of venues to hang in. The best way to meet people is always through shared experiences, so finding something that you love to do that doesn’t entail drinking is likely a good place to start.

If you’re using online dating, talking up front in your profile about your sobriety is highly recommended. You’ll still likely get lots of people asking you to “meet for a drink,” but that just makes it easier for you to tell who’s really read your profile, and who might be just cruisin’ for hot chicks. If someone doesn’t want to meet once you’ve told them about your off-the-sauce status, that’s also a good sign, as it means that they are likely quite a lush themselves, and don’t want to be around someone not imbibing as it makes them feel more like the drunk they are! But I think you’ll find that there are many people who are supportive and inspired, and might even be doing the same. And of course, if you really feel like you have a problem, seeking professional help is always a wise decision.

Send your burning love, sex and dating questions to Spyce, dating success coach for singles and conscious relating coach for couples, at spyceadvice@motifri.com.