Advice with Spyce: Two readers seek the confidence to find love

Dear Spyce:

I have been single for a long time and I really feel like I am ready for a relationship. But I work a lot, don’t feel great about the way I look, and I haven’t had as many dates as I would like. So whenever I do get asked out, I say yes, even if I don’t really want to go, or I know the guy isn’t good relationship material. The main problem, though, is that even those dates don’t go past the first or second try. What am I doing wrong? I’m a nice person, and I would make someone a great partner. I just wish I could get a good couple dates that lead to something real. 

Wishing For Love

Dear Wishing,

Well, first things first: We need to work on that confidence, honey! You might know deep down inside that you’re a catch, but it doesn’t sound like you’re acting like that, and people can smell desperation, even if you put on a lot of perfume to cover it up! So the first step is looking at what you think that you deserve, and why you think you don’t deserve it! 

If you’re not feeling good about your look, what can you do to make some positive change? Is there really something wrong, or are you just once again, falling victim to that internal shaming voice? As for me, I’ve always been confident in the fact that I am a solid 7 on the outside, but off the charts everywhere else. And that fact alone has enabled me to always have hot people at my disposal, and my husband is so damn fine that he should be an underwear model! I tell him this all the time but he still hasn’t dialed up Calvin Klein…

Another point to address is how imperative it is to have your own personal boundaries and standards, and how much that plays into your self respect. You say that you go out on dates even if you don’t want to, and I can understand that sometimes a girl’s bored and needs some time out of the house, but if doing so is just going to spiral you deeper into a hole of self flagellation, maybe the free cosmo isn’t worth it! If you know that someone isn’t for you, or doesn’t meet your criteria, why waste your time with them at all? Why go on a date that you know is not going to bring you joy or satisfaction? Because when that date goes badly, as it inevitably will, even if it’s you who isn’t up for it to begin with, it will still create further proof to that nagging inner voice that you’re just not good enough. Ain’t nobody got time for that! You need to trust your intuition, friend! 

Here’s the thing. You sound like a lovely person, and as soon as you start believing that and treating yourself like the prize that you truly are, others are going to start following suit. So no more feeling bad about yourself. Stop that shit right now! No more placating dumb ass bros who don’t deserve you. Eff that AND the Tesla he rode in on. Stop burying yourself in work and using that as an excuse. Do the things that make you happy, and know that the person who is going to recognize you for the awesomeness that you are is going to be pretty darn amazing, and is on their way! 

Dear Spyce,

I have scoliosis that has progressed a lot over the years. Although I do a great job managing my pain and do my best to still do things I enjoy like hiking, I’m way slower than I used to be and have to be mindful about the types of physical activities I take on. 

I want to start online dating, but I am very intimidated about having to reveal this about myself, yet feel it’s important to be upfront about this so as to not surprise (or disappoint) a potential partner. So I’m wondering, how do you reveal such a thing without coming across as a person who may present like a victim of circumstance? Though it doesn’t define me, it is part of who I am. 

Also, if you read something like that in a profile, would you consider that a dealbreaker? Thanks in advance.

Dating Despite Disability

Hi DDD,

First off, I want to congratulate you on taking the first step toward finding a new relationship. You are brave! It’s difficult in general to put yourself out there, and with an “elephant in the room” that you are unsure of how to address, it’s even more challenging. So first give yourself a gigantic pat on the back (softly so as not to hurt yourself) for being willing to put yourself out there at all. 

When it comes to being transparent and upfront in dating profiles, I believe that if you are really looking for a true relationship, honesty is the best policy, as the old saying goes. I understand that it could feel like you could turn some people off with the truth, but if that’s the case, you would definitely want to know that before you even gave them the pleasure of seeing your pretty face in person. 

It’s also about compatibility. Maybe they want a partner to run marathons with. Maybe you would thrive with a partner whose primary love language is acts of service, and them knowing that you might need some extra physical care here and there would actually draw them in deeper. You just never know. 

Whether it’s the fact that you have children, another partner, a disability or were born another gender, it’s imperative to be forthcoming about who you are. I had a (very straight) friend who thought she had met the man of her dreams and was shocked when I told her a few dates in that he was in fact, transgender, and had been born a woman. Now there’s nothing wrong with that, but was it fair for him to not let her know the truth of who he is and let her make her own decisions? I think not. 

Now obviously you’re not hiding your genitalia (although I don’t advise you to break that out on your profile either) but if you’re hiding something that is an imperative part of how you operate in the world, it could lead to heartache and rejection later on after you’re already entwined with someone. So if your situation is a dealbreaker for someone, let them move along, swipe left and don’t waste your precious time.

Be proud of who you are, it’s nothing to be ashamed of! None of us are who we used to be, and often that’s a good thing. Finding the person who will love all of you, battle scars and all, is the main objective when looking for a successful relationship.