Stand-Up Woman: One reader keeps getting stood up by women friends. What gives?

Dear C and Dr. B;

I know that most women complain about how guys are inconsiderate and insensitive and never call, but I have a complaint of my own – whenever I have had plans to meet somewhere, for coffee, or to take a walk or something, it has been women who have blown me off repeatedly, to a far greater extent than guys ever have. I don’t know if it is just me, or if this is a general trend. I’ve had guys show up late often enough, but they never just don’t show up at all. This happens so often with women that I honestly don’t want to even bother with them anymore.

So, I am wondering – do women stand up guys too? Or is it just other women? I’d hate to think that so many females consider other women as less important than men. Or maybe women just don’t like me? I honestly don’t get it, because I’m always super nice … until I get stood up twice in a row and begin to think of the person as “that bitch who stood me up twice in a row.”

Beth

Dr. B says: I am too old to comment on dating or the current social climate, but in general I have observed that on average, people who are 30 and older bond around their family, their religion, work or around their kids’ school activities and sports. The under 30 crowd is trying to find a pathway into these situations. If you are over 30 and single that makes you an outlier, a sort of “lone wolf.” which brings up another issue: In general people say yes and agree to things like “I will call you,” or, “Sure, let’s get together.” They even volunteer for things they really don’t want to do and have no intention of following through with. It’s an example of how when people know they are being observed, they will exhibit very different behavior than they do when they think no one is looking. Like – the sweetest person in public can be a road rage bitch in their own car. 

If you are part of a group such as a family or other community, there is pressure to conform and to be accountable to the group – there are consequences for your behavior. For example, if you are a repeated no-show on plans with people inside your circle, you could be ostracized. But if you aren’t part of the same circle, if you are an outlier, you are neither subject to these social obligations, nor protected by them. 

C says: I think that the value we place on people affects the courtesy we show toward them. Even someone who keeps friends waiting would be far more likely to show up on time if meeting with a client in order to close a big deal. It seems that these female friends did not place a great deal of importance on getting together with you. But there are a variety of possible reasons for that. I wouldn’t judge the women against the men – it’s very possible that the men who do show up are hoping to connect in a very different way.

You ask if it’s just you. Well, whenever another person is involved, it’s never just about you. Everyone has their issues. However, you may want to consider what it is that you’re hoping for when you set up these meetings. Especially as our lives get more involved as we get older, nobody shows up for meetings outside their usual routine unless there’s something in it they want. I don’t mean that they are after your money, or even your body, although that is the world’s greatest motivator for both men and women. But there has to be some motive for getting together. Moms get together because they can offer each other understanding and support; people with shared interests get together to talk shop or work on projects together. What do you share with these women who stand you up? What did you expect from them? I’m guessing that at least one thing you expect is that they have the same regard for your time that you have for theirs. 

So, here is a parting thought: People take their cues from you as to what they can and can’t get away with. Do you actually set up second, or even third meeting with women who stand you up the first time? Big mistake. Next time, lay it on the line right off the bat: “I show up on time, please text if you’re going to be late or can’t make it.” If they don’t? Screw ‘em. 

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com