AltFacts: Deep in the Heart of Texas: I tell you what — those southern lawmakers make me madder’n a wet hen!

Don’t Fuck with/in Texas

Texas, aka America’s most hateful sitcom, has done it again. Not wanting to be outdone by the shamefaced hypocrisy coming out of the White House, the Lone Star State has taken a significant step toward becoming a confessional dictatorship with a spot of chaotic double thinking that exceeds even the usual Bible Belt standards.

Introduced by Representative Tony “Save Lives through Electric Chairs” Tinderholt, the bill would criminalize all abortions, while making it possible to charge a mother with homicide for having the procedure. And since Texas loves nothing like a good fry-up, the good folks down in our second largest electoral college allow capital punishment for homicide. The message for the women of Texas? Better be willing to live with the potential consequences of being raped, molested or even having some fun that doesn’t work out so well, or we’ll execute you.

Speaking from his enlightened pulpit on women’s rights, Tinderholt commented that it would make people “consider the repercussions” of having sex. According to sources close to the representative, his own parents are considering the weight of their son’s message, and agree that sometimes canoodling after a bottle of confessional wine is a bad idea. It might just lead to a bigoted Republican son with a loofah for a brain. (Note: Whether the representative’s PhDs in gynecology, psychotherapy and sociology have come through yet is not confirmed at time of press.)

Coming next from the Lone Star State: lynchings for wives who burn the supper!

Black Hole

Finally, NASA and all its clever minions have taken a photograph of the gap down the back of the sofa. For years mankind has wondered where the b’Jayzus they left their other slipper, finally giving up all hope when the only other place it could be was in the bowels of the living room couch. But with this revolutionary image of a real-life black hole, humanity can peer down into mysteries unknown for the first time in history. Speaking from their headquarters in Cranston, NASA CEO Davey “I Know A Guy” Smith explained that the idea of photographing the black hole was 10 minutes in the making, and came to pass after someone at the State House put out a memo trying to figure out where Dan McKee left his personality. No luck yet, but they did find Tony Tinderholt’s cold, cold heart.

Attorney Kardashian

Good news for the owners of highway signage companies; Kim Kardashian revealed she is studying to become a lawyer! But the scramble for the much-coveted space on I-95 has already broken out, with existing occupants concerned they may have to sacrifice their billing or pay a premium to stay. One of those currently featured explained, “The majority of my car accident sales come from people who crash while reading my highway billboards; Kardashian could make me go bankrupt!”