Mom Is Making Everyone Nuts: One writer wonders how to deal with a complaint-filled family member

Dear C and Dr. B;

I love my mother, but she is driving me absolutely nuts. She wants my help but then doesn’t let me help her. She also makes everything about her, even COVID – you’d think it was a personal plot against her. She complains she is lonely but then refuses to go anywhere with our family when I suggest it. She says she doesn’t feel well but doesn’t follow through with the doctors appointments I make for her. The few she does make, she never follows through with the advice or treatments.  

She is so frustrating I feel like I want to scream. I find I am lashing out at her in small ways, and it makes me feel so guilty I just end up hating myself. I can’t just ignore her or let her be. She is my mother and she does have real problems that she is ignoring like diabetes. She has no one else but me; my dad died years ago. What should I do?

– Frustrated,

Dr, B says: Some people think in a very black and white manner and have no ability to separate themselves from any outside stimuli – this is what makes everything personal and about themselves. Do not take this personally, it is the way they think and it is more or less unchangeable.  

This way of thinking often leads into behavior such as your mom’s. There’s actually a non-sanctioned term for it: “Help-rejecting Clingers.” Inside they often feel trapped between helplessness and control, and, like a drowning person, they tend to grab onto anyone who tries to save them, and take them down too. 

It is not easy to walk the line of compassion with neutrality. Maybe you could try addressing the core: “You seem frustrated, are you perplexed, confused?” Ask leading questions that make it her idea for what your goal is for her. This is called motivational interviewing. You might want to find her a counselor who works with this technique and take a class yourself. It is a very effective teaching tool because it works without the person knowing they are being taught. 

It is normal to get so frustrated you want to lash out, but that’s something your own therapist could help you with. Don’t internalize the frustration – it is not your fault, and guilt doesn’t help anyone. 

Your mom is an adult and you can’t make her a happy person no matter what you do. You have to learn to be happy yourself, not dependent upon your mom being happy. You have no way of knowing what is inside her head or what her thinking and motivations are, so don’t make up her story for her.  You can only do your best and know you tried. Be the person you want to be and appreciate yourself for who you are. Sometimes the hand we are dealt is a hard one to play.

C says: I used to have a friend – “Ken,” a painter who lived alone. A few minutes with him showed why – his idea of communicating seemed to consist of fretting, worrying and bitching about things in lieu of conversation. He went on and on about problems and annoyances, like a dog settling down for a good chew on a bone, gnawing at whatever misery he was obsessing over.

Other people, and his family, said nothing to deter him. They just played along, let him gnaw and fret, then avoided him afterward for months, even years, at a time.

I couldn’t stand Ken’s crap, but I understood his lack of social ability and respected his painting, so I made an effort. Whenever I was with the guy and he went off too long on one of his rants, I’d just say, “No, Ken. Enough negative stuff. Now we are going to talk about something happy.” If encouraged, he would babble on and on about his painting instead. Self obsessed people always enjoy talking about themselves. It’s up to you to change the subject.

You aren’t going to change your mom, but people take their cues from others on how to act; you can redirect them with a little practice. Dr. B gave you some useful advice – therapy for both of you is a good idea. You are just as much stuck in your role of “martyred daughter” as Mom is in hers of “Help-rejecting Clinger.” Time to learn some new tricks.

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com