Advice From the Trenches: What’s wrong with you bitches?

Dear C:

I have a complaint. Don’t take it personally, but women suck. There just isn’t anything that makes them happy.

I haven’t had much success with relationships, so I decided to take some advice from Lianna, my roommate’s girlfriend. She told me that I was stuck in the last century with my macho attitude. I should be more sensitive – talk more about my feelings, and admit to being vulnerable. Since the “Me Too” thing, women don’t want men who put on that, “I’m strong, I’m in control,” act.

So, I took her advice. Next time I asked a girl out, I didn’t act all confident. When we got to the restaurant I didn’t order for both of us even though I knew the house specialty was the best thing on the menu and she’d love it. Instead, I asked her what she thought we should have.

During dinner, instead of talking about my promotion at work or or how my club team won our last game, I told her about how I didn’t start dating until I was about 19 because I was afraid of getting turned down. I mentioned that it hurt my feelings when my last girlfriend bailed on me. I told her about my food allergies. Then I bucked my usual habit of waiting a week to call her back, and called back the next morning.

So, what happened? I never heard from her again. She left faster than my last girlfriend.

What is wrong with you bitches?

– Guy Gonged

C says:

Nothing is wrong with us bitches, Guy. You were just being a typical clueless male, jumping from one extreme to another: “You think the music is too loud? Fine, I’ll just turn it off! Happy now?” 

And you somehow managed to miss the whole point and make this date all about you. Typical.

Being sensitive doesn’t mean being a whiny little wuss. It means being aware of the other person and their reactions. At some point, you might have caught on, but you were too busy dribbling into your incontinence pants (that’s a direct quote from Ab Fab) to notice.

You weren’t being sensitive – it was more like you were asking this girl to be your mommy! I know that there are women out there who would love to find a man they could dominate and mother, but I gotta tell you: If a man acted like that with me, it would give me the creeps.

I’m going to let my friend Dr. J explain – he’s more sympathetic. This bitch is just a little too ready to slap you.

Dr. J says: 

Men have long aspired to understand and unravel the many great mysteries of the world. Some have been more successful than others, but the one riddle men will likely never solve is the inner workings of the modern day woman. Why do they do what they do? What makes them happy, and what will make them like me? I feel your frustration, bro.

Let’s take the historical overview. Women have faced oppression of one type or another for centuries. It’s only within the last 100 years that women were allowed to vote in this country. Hell, women couldn’t wear pants or bikinis until the 50s because men didn’t approve. Women faced religious and societal pressure to stay home and raise babies. 

Conversely, the societal pressure on men to be strong, macho, and to “manage” their women dates back thousands of years. The cliché of the caveman dragging his woman by the hair is a perfect example. We’re expected to be strong and live in mini-mansions with multiple cars, be filthy rich, and raise our sons in our own image.

Things are different now. You can’t group all women together and assume they want the same thing. Some women are repulsed by male bravado, ego, and overconfidence. But some women love sensitive men. Women can like nice guys, jerks, mild-mannered salesmen who drive a BMW, or a Harley-riding tattooed bounty hunter. Some want to settle with one man; some want to keep their options open. Of late, women are staying single by choice, choosing to focus on their careers. The stereotypical “old maid” is a thing of the past.

Lianna may have had a point, regarding your white-knuckled attempt to hide your true self. But did you actually think it’s a good idea on a first date to order your date’s meal for her because you know what’s best? Considering your own food allergies, why didn’t you even ask about her dietary restrictions? Instead of talking about yourself the whole time and trying to paint a picture of being vulnerable, you might have asked her about herself. Women are intuitive. She probably sensed that you weren’t being genuine. 

Perhaps instead of asking what’s wrong with women, you should ask yourself how you can become a better version of yourself. As such, I guarantee there will be women who like you just as you are. A healthy dose of Lianna-prescribed humility might do you some good. Just don’t swallow the entire bottle all at once.