AltFacts: Cranston Commies in Converse: Kids demand to do whatever they want

Introducing the CCCP (Cranston Children Communist Party)

As the public schools crisis continues to grip the state, the children of Rhode Island have taken matters into their own hands. On September 2, a pre-organized underground mob of 1,500 fourth graders stormed school buildings across Rhody and declared a coup in the name of communism and longer lunch breaks. The movement, organized by an anonymous group of Cranston-based eighth graders, is known as the CCCP, and proclaim from a manifesto that gives tweens free reign to act on individual impulsiveness. So far, cafeterias have been restocked with Jolly Ranchers and hot dogs, with gymnasiums transformed into places where you can run headfirst into a wall while wearing only a sieve as skull protection … and not get told off by some underpaid old fart in a suit scavenged from Savers. Speaking with Alt-Facts from inside a tent fort inside the math classroom, a CCCP spokesperson revealed that the coup would last until all demands were met, with the list including a pet horse (named Davey), as well as funds to actually stock cafeterias with food, and to consider the absurd notion of supplying teachers with resources and a decent living wage. [Crazy bloody socialists – ed.]

Fall Is Cancelled

You know all those annoying fuckers out there who keep yammering on about how great fall is when they should be enjoying the glory that is summer? Well, fate has been listening, and this year, The Farmer’s Almanac has decided to cancel the season entirely (yes, they do have that power). Instead, the hot weather is going to roll on until December 23 (averaging around 89.5), after which there will be beautiful seasonal snowfalls every day until March 17 (St. Paddy’s Day) upon which date, the 90-degree weather will return in earnest. To quote renowned New England poet and wordsmith Robert Frost, “Cast aside the Halloween refrain, and upon the early morn… you can stuff the pumpkin spice up your arse.”