Alt-Facts

AltFacts: Minimalism Gone Too Far: Eventually, we’ll slurp coffee from our hands

Save the Ice! (Lunchtime Quickie)

Newly rebranded Dunkin, now without the Donuts, will enhance its stripped-back approach by dropping the ice from its range of iced coffees.
Speaking from headquarters, Dunkin’s marketing manager, S. Presso, commented, “It’s been a success that really helps the bottom line; ice wastage is a big concern in the commercial coffee industry.

“We originally got the idea from Lance, 47, of West Foster, who has been getting his iced coffee with no ice, six sugars and three creams for years.”

“Ice isn’t safe,” explains Lance in an exclusive interview with Alt-Facts. “Cartels in Mexico mix poisons in water and send contaminated ice to the United States.

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“Nobody believes me, but I know the president is working to reverse the tide of poisoned Mexican ice being shipped to the country on the backs of migrant workers. Yes sir.”

In a bid to keep up with the trend, local meat slinger Walt’s will be dropping the Roast from his Beef, and just start selling straight-up bone-in ribeye to all those seeking a lunch time quickie. Just watch out for that new horseradish sauce, folks!

Michael Jacko-Lantern

A furious legal battle is underway as traveling Michael Jackson Halloween show, Jacko-Lantern, attempts to come to Rhode Island this holiday season.

In an official statement, representatives from the existing show of the similar name held at Roger Williams Zoo commented, “While we always support the conservancy of the planet’s fauna, Michael Jackson is one kind of animal we don’t want to be associated with.”

But fans are complaining. Wendy, 32, from Hope Valley, condemns the zoo’s resistance, claiming it is maliciously smearing Jackson’s name.

“Think about it; who speaks more to the youthful exuberance of Halloween and all the joy of trick or treating than Michael?

‘Thriller’ is practically the anthem for the season, I don’t get what all the fuss is about.”

And the show’s lawyers will continue to fight for the right to perform in the Ocean State, confident that theirs is the most terrifying of all Halloween attractions.

“Because when the doors slam at our Jacko-Lantern, there really will be nowhere left to run.”

Trick or Tweet

The White House has announced a new policy to mark this year’s Halloween celebrations. Named Trick or Tweeting, this two-day experiment will see the president draw paper slips from a hat, with either TRICK or TWEET printed on them.

If TWEET, he gets to spend 20 unsupervised minutes on Twitter daring unstable nations into nuclear holocausts. But if the president draws TRICK, he will be obliged to release files incorrectly labelled “Classified” by the law offices of Crook, Bentt and Giuliani.

Rumors close to the source have reported a crisis where all the Ws and Es are missing from White House keyboards. Forecasters are predicting a tricky couple of weeks for the president, with all signs pointing to the administration tweetering on the precipice. More on this
political eyecandy as it develops.

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