AltFacts: Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting: They all want to take da bait

Divide and KKKonquer

For liberals, anti-populists and anyone out there with a shred of compassion, there is only one objective in 2020; to oust the current administration and see what can be resurrected from the ashes. But if last week’s capricious Democrat debates are anything to go on, there is one objective in the leftist establishment: to bicker and dissolve into poo-chucking “look-at-how-much-better-I-am” pettiness. There was little to suggest a grip on the bigger picture and few moments for hopeful progressives to hold onto, just a top-rate display of squabbling that demonstrates a significant lack of focus utterly lacking in strategy. But don’t worry, these overpaid blowhards will be fine when they inevitably lose the 2020 election and the rest of us continue to burn in the orange glow. Yay for the future!

Ken Cuccinelli Is Right

– Grumpy McTrumpy

Damn right he’s right! If anyone is to be blamed for the drowning of a refugee minor on US soil, it is the goddamned father. Showing-off his swimming prowess, El Salvadorian migrant Oscar Alberto Martinez dropped his 23-month-old daughter, Angie, on the shore and went back into the water to help his wife. In a disobedient move typical of illegal immigrants, the young Latina child refused to obey her father and headed back into the water, only to begin to drown. Her father was then forced to divert his focus, in the process losing both his life as well as his daughter’s. His fault? Totally. As Ken “Compassion” Cuccinelli pointed out, if the Martinez family had entered America legally, they would still be alive and enjoying McDonald’s under the gracious cloak of liberty and freedom. – GMT


…or, Angie reached American shores, only to think, “Bugger that,” before making a bid for freedom. – NC

Gerrymandering (Is Great Again)

Who needs Russians when you have Republicans? As the 2020 shadow looms, the right wing is rolling out all the old tricks, with gerrymandering being dusted off yet again as the prime conservative tool for realigning political boundaries (just in case Donald isn’t as powerful a genius as he claims to be). But this year it’s different; the Supreme Court declared last Thursday that gerrymandering is, to put it bluntly, perfectly logical. Who cares what the voters want or think? Best to categorize communities by their political leaning and make sure they serve your purpose … rather than the other way around. #PeoplesRepublic

Go Fung Yourself

Following-on from Allan Fung’s genius “Girls Just Wanna Fung” campaign, the latest from Rhody’s Trump Fanboy sees the Cranston conservative fill in as a host on WPRO radio … just in case anyone with insomnia needs some dull monotony to listen to before falling asleep. And this is nothing against Mr. Fung’s nice-guy personality, rather an observation on his unique (very unique? -ed.) ability to bore anyone reached by radio waves. But don’t worry! Good ol’ Allan has come-up with a great name for his slot: Go Fung Yourself (politely). 

Take Me Home, Country Rhodes

Things are getting controversial up in the State’s northern wastelands. Following years of hard campaigning, legislators finally sided with concerned locals and declined a bid proposing a fracking plant in Burrillville. But not everyone is happy with the decision. Speaking in an exclusive interview with Alt-Facts, pro-fracking activist (and future Trump press secretary), Li’l Dixie Tucker explained, “We just want to make Rhody great again, and a big component of that vision was to create our very own version of West Virginia right here in the Biggest Little.” Because nothing says progress to conservatives like tearing apart the environment. 

We Don’t Need No (Educayshun)

What do “unnecessary overtime,” the Fane Tower and Gina Raimondo’s  
hairspray habit have in common? If recent reports are to be believed,  
each of these items is vastly more important in Rhode Island than the whimsical commodity that is education. According to a study conducted by John Hopkin’s University, pupils in the Ocean State can expect a cocktail of rats, asbestos and violence when entering the classroom (and that’s just on Monday mornings), all shaken-up by ineffectual and thoroughly under-equipped teaching staff. But that’s fine, because what we really need to do is offer $25 million in tax credits to the cretins behind the Fane Tower project, rather than help the future of the nation. (Because giving a foot-up to those in need just enables them, the impudent bastards).