Alt-Facts

Locals Take Action: Grappling with recent changes ain’t easy

Pub Life: A Plea from the Bars of Rhode Island Syndicate (B.O.R.I.S):

While pub and bar owners across Rhode Island are looking forward to lockdown restrictions being lifted, the industry still faces a crisis. Public drinking establishments were feeling the pinch long before the pandemic hit, and even as society starts to return to normal, social distancing will mean fewer people in watering holes. This calls for drastic action, and B.O.R.I.S is calling for a new, universal approach to drinking. First, they encourage occasional drinkers to step aside. No more passers-by, no more single round wasters, no more social sipping to be polite. Instead, it’s time that serious drinkers step up to the table and show us what they’re made of. Get over to your local bar and hammer down six pints before breakfast. Empty that half-empty bottle of top shelf scotch. Have your martini shaken, stirred and fired down your gullet before you can say, “Hey, is that cirrhosis?” Whatever you decide to do, B.O.R.I.S is encouraging all of you to unite in a common goal: Drink irresponsibly. And teach your kids, too.

Sexy Farmers

With lockdown rules over public gatherings still remaining hazy, farmers across Rhode Island are worried they won’t be able to gather in sufficient numbers to work in their fields over the summer. And that means no more driving trucks to and from the pasture, one arm leaning on the window, face being leathered by the midday sun. To compensate for what was voted Sexiest Farm Look, (Situate), 2019, beauty salons across the state are starting to offer farmer’s tans for any fashionable agriculturalist still seeking a mate. “We’ve designed a stencil resembling the outline of a t-shirt and a John Deere hat,” comments Mas Kara, owner of Beauti 4 U sâlon, in Coventry “and we place that on top of the client being tanned. That way clients can ensure an even look that is guaranteed to make farm animals of all breeds go wild.” Expect a spike in births in the Johnston area, come February.

Newport Goes to War

Newport City Council declared war against East Greenwich on Tuesday after the Kent County settlement was awarded the recognition of Town Most Up Its Own Hole, 2020. “After 35 years as the most proudly pretentious town in the State, Newport is disgusted that the recognition has been given to those pretenders in East Greenwich,” commented an official spokesperson. “And let’s face it, Newport is located on the only actual island in Rhode Island. The rest is mere plantation land. Peasants and the like.” Despite the fury, the war was short lasting. Upon approaching the Pell bridge, the armies of Newport were turned away by police for breaching lockdown orders. All were too polite to argue, and quietly slunk home for some brandy and a spot of tennis. At time of publication, both towns agree that the other is populated by wankers.

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