AltFacts: Everybody Gets a Massage!: Cowboy contemplates the agony of da feet

From Russia with Love

We already knew that the NRA is slightly stoopid, but this takes the (white flour, American) biscuit. It was recently revealed that a 30-year-old Russian national infiltrated the Nobrain Reprobate Association – among others – in an effort to sway American sentiment in favor of the Kremlin. Complete with heavy Russian accent and questionable acting ability, Maria Butina convinced gun owners and knuckle draggers everywhere that she was a pro-Second Amendment lobbyist ready to do everything to support the freedom to be armed and paranoid. No, actually. This really happened.


Recently, AltFacts reported that Bob “Trump’s Sex Pest Buddy” Kraft was caught in Florida soliciting the wares of a group of Sunshine State prostitutes. At the same time, RI was in a flurry all its own,
reeling from the December busting of a prostitution ring at the Foxy Lady. But worry not unhappy husbands of L’il Rhody! Ever able to see a gap in the market (behave), on April 30 Kraft shelled out a whole $47.50, purchased the Superman Building in downtown Providence and began construction on
Kraftopia: International Massage Parlor. With the opening (behave) set for June 14 (Trump’s birthday), visitors who want the full experience will be led into the Kraft Cheeze Room, the professionals within operating under the mantra “Turning Lubricant into LubriCAN.”

Funnel for the whole family!

Show Trials

Now that Mr. Trump has slipped the noose, the Show Trials are set to begin. Anyone who failed to support the president during the Mueller Investigation will be lined up against a wall and shot (starting high noon on July 4), and they are set to be the lucky ones. Delusional leftists in the press will be forced to listen to Sarah Sanders read The Art of the Deal on a never-ending loop, with anyone in the Hillary camp condemned to provide Mike Pence with foot rubs (using your hands, no cheating) while watching reruns of ’80s TV evangelist specials. Vegans will be force-fed bacon and all the gays will be cleansed of their weirdness and given NFL season tickets, while anythem who refers to themselves as “they” will be asked to retake grammar classes. Or, combine she, he and it and be referred to as “shits” — your choice. (Sound awful? Remember to vote in November 2020!)