AltFacts: Newsiest News from Round the World: Grab your knobs and your crayons, folks

Don’t Be a Knob (Israel)

Perpetual imperialist Israel is at it yet again. Last week, the nation’s prime minister, Benny Nuttyyahoo, announced plans to annex the West Bank should he survive the country’s upcoming election. The Anglo-Stalinist wet dream has spent the greater part of its existence tormenting their neighbors in the name of Yahweh, but this time they are going for broke. Dammit, why can’t you do something else instead, Israel? Like, whenever you feel like kicking the shit out of some wee Arab lad, or getting politically heavy when it’s really not necessary, go have a wank. Or a cup of coffee while reading an Agatha Christie novel. Indeed, all this goes for any empire out there wanting to be a knob (y’all know who you are). Don’t be a knob … just go tug on one instead. 

Battle of Little Big Ben: LIVE

Reports are coming in thick and fast that General “Boris Johnston” Custer (UK Prime Minister) is continuing his suicide ride against the massed tribes of the European Union and Anti-Brexit Confederacy gathered on the banks of the Little Big Ben River, London. The flags may be fluttering and the horses may be snorting, but things have not been going well for the British leader. The general has lost many of his key players (Amber Judd and Phillip Lee among them), and latest indications suggest that he might be surrounded. The last known order given by the general was to halt his attack by suspending parliament in the hope that it would prevent the opposition from working on a fatal blow that would keep Britain in the EU. Stranded on top of a hill, the general is expected to make a glorious, if lonely, last stand; his very existence resting on the support of a radical Northern Irish minority group called the DUP (actually, look-up Arlene Foster – ed.). We’ll have more on this story as it develops. 

Life Is Like a Box of Crayons

All eyes turned to the Oval Office earlier in the month, as the nation’s 45th commander-in-chief appeared to have used a Sharpie to doctor a map charting the course of Hurricane Dorian. But don’t be too harsh on the president; this revelation marks notable progress from using crayon on the bathroom walls to indicate his ideas on foreign policy. Rumors close to the source indicate that the president will be potty trained by the end of the month, largely because stores of diapers are running low given the frequency of visits by Donnie Jr. 


Healthcare Wealthcare

The latest round of Democrat debates took place last week — and what a doozy it was. With Bernie Sanders shaking his little red book and Joe Biden forgetting his Alzheimer’s medicine yet again, Elizabeth Warren took the Hilaryian high ground to explain how shit we all are (even you, dear reader, you’re also a dickhead). Some Texan dude named Beto declared war on gun nuts (how many weeks ‘til he gets assassinated?), while Patrick Stewart-lookalike Amy Klobuchar spent the evening making Apollo 13 and Day After Tomorrow references just to appeal to the kool kids. Nobody suggested we use the NRA to cure encephalitis to end the current mosquito crisis (just shoot the bastards), and the burgeoning romance between Biden and Warren couldn’t stop me from imagining them throwing shapes in the janitor’s closet. One thing is for sure: it was a delightful womble of chaos that only served to show one thing: Trump’s gonna get another term, y’all (go stockpile them beans)!