Author: Cathren Housley

Dear C and Dr. B:

I am saving up to go to school. My parents wanted me to follow in the family tradition and become a medical doctor, but I decided that I would rather become a nurse practitioner. Their approach to health is much closer to my own, and the research I did shows that while three in five doctors want to quit their jobs, NP’s are optimistic and their importance in health care is expanding with the current changes. But now my parents refuse to pay for college, because, “The pay scale starts at HALF of what a doctor makes!”

Even with scholarships (which I don’t have) I can’t swing it, and my parents make far too much money for me to qualify for assistance. Now I have to figure out how to get the money.

My friend Laura is making literally thousands a week working at a strip club. In comparison, the only other minimum wage jobs I could get barely cover rent, let alone food and class supplies. I am thinking of joining her – just for a year or two – until I can afford to go to school on my own.

I’ve read that a lot of people put themselves through school doing jobs like this then go one to find success, so – why not? I have a good body. I’ll never get to school if I can’t afford it. But I would like a second opinion.

– Lola

C says: 

Nobody ever “just” does anything, Lola. You either do it or you don’t, and once you do it, it’s done. Let’s look at this sentence: “I’m just being a stripper for now, until I get the money for school.” Remove the qualifying explanations and what you have is: “I’m a stripper.”

You should know that there are strippers who consider their work to be a legitimate profession and an art form. The top pole dancers can hold their own with gold medal gymnasts. It is generally the opportunistic gold diggers who go down the wrong path – and that’s where your own attitude becomes a problem.

You’re imagining that you’re going to get in and out without any of it touching you, but that’s a fool’s dream. Ever hear of Stockholm Syndrome? It’s a natural human tendency for people to react to, and often bond with, those around them – even their kidnappers. Do you really think that you are going to go in there, perform, take the money and run? The women you work with, the way the men treat you…all of it will affect you, possibly in a way that could alter every goal you now have.

I knew three women who became strippers to pay for school. None of them ever got to school as far as I know. The most successful of the three went on to become a travel agent. The last time I saw a stripper I knew in Buffalo, she was modeling for an artist who painted women in bondage. The other – who knows? I will imagine for your sake that she is now running for congress.

The future is a story we tell ourselves to keep going, but the things that we give our time and energy to are what become real. No one should forget that when they do something “just to get by.” 

If you choose the stripper route, I hope you are luckier than most. One word of advice? Don’t drink on the job. It makes it a little too easy to “go home” with the customers for some extra cash.

Dr. B says:

I have had multiple strippers for clients and here is what I’ve learned:

• They make about the same per hour as I do.

• They, like many doctors, are bad at saving money and for the same reason – the lifestyle is often expensive.

• Their job is more dangerous than mine.

• When a person makes that much money, it is hard, if not impossible, to settle for less and few other jobs pay as well.

• It is impossible to live a separate life and not take the job home with you. Every job affects who you meet, and how you feel about humans in general.

• Being numb to one’s surroundings in order to survive can cause PTSD and personality disorders along with substance abuse problems. Numb is not neutral. Numb is toxic. 

• The attention feels good! Power feels good! It is hard to give that up; it is psychologically addicting.

• If you’re hoping for a relationship, one formed out of a strip club has little chance of surviving. Desire is not love. It seldom has anything to do with love – and it has absolutely nothing to do with a college education.

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

Dear C and Dr. B:

I know now that trust is a really important thing, maybe THE most important thing. But I only learned that after losing the trust of everyone I know. 

I cheated on my wife and what’s worse, the person I slept with was the wife of a member of our formerly close-knit social group. It was one of those things that seemed so “we’re just friends” at first, then little by little, the attraction grew. When the intimacy started, it felt right for us to fall together – we could both explain it to ourselves with crap like “I’m happier now, so things are more pleasant at home, we’re not hurting anyone…”

But of course, as always, the truth came out and everyone was hurt. Not only our spouses, but also our friends – we’d lied to them as well. Everyone felt betrayed.

The affair was over after that. It changed everything. We have two kids so my wife hasn’t left me yet and if there’s a way to save our family I want to. We’ve been going to therapy and talking a lot … but I don’t know if it helps with the feelings. Feelings seem to have a mind of their own – she just doesn’t trust me anymore. Every text, random phone call, me being late or “smelling funny” becomes grounds for anxiety and apprehension. 

Our friends have cut me off, and as a consequence, avoid her too.

How do I fix something like this? Can I? 

– Bart the Betrayer

 Dr. B says:

Here’s the thing about feelings – part of being an adult is to never base behavior on feelings. Our culture seems to advertise just the opposite of this, but feelings are not always based on facts and if you let your feelings steer your life, it becomes a rollercoaster.   

Your feelings got you into this mess; only INTENT can get you out. You and your wife need to have a rational, intent-based conversation. I ask patients: “What do you want your relationship and life to look like 20 years from now?” Working backwards from that, you should only make choices that lead to that outcome. You need to have the skills necessary to enact those behaviors that lead to your intended future outcome.  

You do not have these skills at this point and likely neither does your wife. Without the right skills, you will never reach that 20-year outcome. Some of what you need to learn is consistent behavior, open and honest communication and equal and reciprocal division of tasks and power within the relationship. You also need to stop enabling each other in your respective weaknesses and rationalizing subconscious behaviors. And that’s just for starters.

There is no point in placing blame or punishing each other. You need to learn healthy adult play. Love has a zillion definitions and our culture is very limited in what we see as love. Sexual attraction counts for more than respect in our culture. You both have a lot to learn if you want to be able to have a long-term healthy relationship with another human. If you role model good relationship skills it will affect those around you in a positive and reciprocal way.

C says:

That is undoubtedly good, board-certified advice on how to rebuild a fucked-up marriage, but this is the real world and that is a very long, involved list which involves years of painful, uncomfortable work. That kind of change is HARD. If there’s not enough motivation, it doesn’t stand a chance.

I understand your motivation, Betrayer. You’re pissing your pants because you got caught and now everyone knows you’re the kind of guy who would betray his wife and stab his friends in the back. You’ve poisoned your own circle. You probably have no one to turn to but the therapist. 

But what is your wife’s motivation, aside from the kids? Why should she want to jump through all those hoops? So she can have “healthy adult play” with the slimeball who made her feel like humiliated garbage?

Whatever problems there were in your marriage, your behavior was inexcusable. It showed poor character and bad decision making. You can role model good relationship skills all you want now, but you’re just following a script: “Look, honey! See how good I am?” Unfortunately, the question your wife will always be asking herself Is: “What is that bastard going to try to get away with when he thinks no one is looking?”

Everyone has their personal secrets, that’s only human. But if you are married, you don’t keep secrets with your mistress and lie to your spouse’s face. That’s a deal breaker.

You can stay together for the sake of the kids, and you might attain a stable home life over time. But if you ever expect anyone to trust you again, it might be easier to move to a new city.

– Cathren Housley 

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

Dear Dr. B and C, 

I work in customer service and dealing with customers is difficult and exhausting. People are always in a rush and have no patience. Talk about rude! And none of them listen. I swear, I can give someone the same information forty times and then they turn around and ask the same question again.  

I need my job to have a roof over our heads and food on our table or I would quit in a heartbeat. I worry that one day I will tell someone off – or worse, jump across the counter and throttle them. How can I survive this 45 more years until I can gather my social security and retire?

Reticent Rita

C says:

What is wrong with you, girl? You say that the customers don’t listen to you – well, listen to yourself! Get the message! There is absolutely nothing you enjoy about your job, you are forced to repress every genuine emotion you have while working, and yet your only excuse for staying there is “I need my job to have a roof over our heads and food on our table.” 

I did the math – and if you retire at age 66, you are only 21 years old. Unless one is a victim of extraordinary hardship or has made extremely bad decisions, very few people have large families they are going to need to support for the next 45 years when they have just turned the legal drinking age. I think your excuse is total BS.

You will not get any advice on how to stay and cope with your job from me.

Dr. B says:

You are not alone, Rita. The whole American workforce is currently re-examining their jobs. People suck, which makes most jobs suck. People have always sucked, but now it’s un-American to not say what’s on your mind. As a result, customer service is even more difficult. It might be the same anywhere you go, but you can at least try.  

The real answer is get back into school and specialize in something so that your value increases in the workforce. Serving customers sucks at every level but with a better pay scale at least you will be able to work fewer hours and have time to focus on work-life balance. A nurse or doctor can work three days a week and make a good income. The cost of school at this level is irrelevant as there are many loan repayment programs available: for instance, the federal loan repayment program, or the military services.   

C says:

Sorry, but I have to jump back in for a moment and inject some reality. The cost of school at this point is NOT irrelevant. Many people graduate with crippling loans to pay off, and loan repayment services are hardly a sure thing. Most of them require 10 years of payments before they will dismiss the balance. Even then, it is only a solution for someone who has the means to get by until graduation brings a job – which is never guaranteed. 

Additionally, going back to school full time doesn’t allow for anything but part-time income and school supplies are not included in student loans. Who is supposed to pay Rita’s rent and utilities while she’s in school? I don’t get the impression she comes from a cushy socioeconomic situation where mom and dad are going to shell out while she re-educates herself.

There are on-the-job training programs in non-degree careers that might be a much better choice for Rita. She could also find non-degree jobs right now that pay just as much, or more, than customer service. That’s where I would start if I had limited income.

But the real point is that if you don’t look, Rita, you aren’t going to find anything. So – stop bitching and start searching. That IS something you can do in your spare time. But resigning yourself in your 20’s to a lifetime of stress and anger is going to get you nowhere but an early grave.

– Cathren Housley 

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

Dear C and Dr. B:

My friend Kevin says that he is “an agnostic.” I can’t explain exactly why that pisses me off so much, but it does. I think that everybody is basically entitled to believe whatever they want to believe, but Kevin’s attitude is like: “God hasn’t been proven to my satisfaction. Someone needs to prove it to me in a concrete way, then I’ll consider it.” 

I just feel like saying to him, “well, who the hell are you?” The guy has been on this planet for less time than it takes a good Scotch to age, but if something can’t be proven in a way that is within the grasp of his tiny brain, he won’t even consider that it exists. How narrow minded can he be?

I wonder if he still believes the Earth is flat because he hasn’t seen it from space. 

Maybe you can offer some perspective.

Cyn Tack

Dr. B says:

The longer I live the more convinced I am there is no intelligent life anywhere.

Kevin is being neutral and I believe he would say is open to whatever. And why not? If you approach the question scientifically one has to be agnostic as there certainly is no evidence of a god or intelligent design. I have heard arguments for such like the human eye is so perfect and so complicated that it’s proof of god. This just shows the lack of science knowledge by those stating this as the human eye has serious design flaws. All such “evidence” falls short of a scientific standard. 

On the other side there is no concrete evidence for a lack of a god. Science shows that humans are wired for faith, to believe in a god. We are very limited in our awareness and can perceive only a tiny piece of everything that exists.  

There are no faith-based stories from any religion that aren’t completely nuts if you take them literally. But we believe anyway because we need the universe to make some sense. Maybe if we thought there was no god, we might have to take responsibility for ourselves, our treatment of the planet and our treatment of each other – especially those that believe differently than we do.

C says:

I think Dr. B is confusing atheists with agnostics. Atheists do not believe in the existence of the Christian God, or any gods for that matter. This does not mean they are amoral. Although the  atheists I know could rant for hours on the hypocrisy of the clergy, they trust their own instincts when it comes to ethics; they don’t require proof that people should treat each other fairly. But any fundamental agnostic would refuse to decide one way or another, on pretty much any issue, unless there was absolute concrete proof. That’s the difference. 

Objectively speaking, there are certain flaws to agnostic thinking – definitive proof of any theory or phenomena can only be gauged using existing testing methods. Since science constantly outgrows its own instruments and theories, it is possible that what we can’t prove today will be entirely provable next year. And there are also some things that can probably never be proven, no matter how long science stares at its tests and statistics. 

Of all the things that can’t be scientifically proven, love probably tops the list. And yet this unprovable thing we call love is the fuel behind nearly every work of art and literature that has existed through time. It’s also probably the only reason we don’t all kill each other.

This is just a guess, but I think that you are more frustrated than angry. I think you want something from Kevin that he just can’t give you, and it has more to do with the idea of commitment and emotional connection than with whether or not god exists.

Kevin clings to the known. That’s not really a negative trait, but let’s be honest – on planet Earth, there are no sure things. A person who will only believe and act on sure things is emotionally limited. If you were hoping for magic or passion with Kevin, I wouldn’t hold your breath. But if you need help selecting a health insurance plan, you can count on him to be very thorough. Be happy with that… and look for an intimate connection elsewhere.

– Cathren Housley 

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

Dear C and Dr. B:

Back in the day, my friend Cynthia was a talented designer at a big ad agency where she won awards and was respected by her peers.

Everything fell apart when she found out her husband was cheating with someone at the firm. She went through a painful breakup, full of lies and betrayals. Instead of getting therapy, she made some bad decisions and ended up losing her house, her reputation, and her friends – it turns out that many of them weren’t friends at all. Her drinking went out of control.

In the last year or so, she’s finally gotten it together and now she is working again as a  freelancer. When I wanted to put up a website for my skin salon, I asked her if she’d help me. I told her that I already had my concept and look, I just needed her to give me feedback and help me with the computer tech stuff.

It has become a nightmare. She keeps turning simple yes-no questions into an opportunity to show off and take over the focus like she’s running an agency campaign. She has this attitude of “Hey, I’m the designer, remember? You hired ME.” 

I think I understand why this keeps happening – she wants to regain her self-respect. But it’s irritating as hell. Is there some way to neutralize her, some therapy trick? I don’t want to fire her and make her feel like a loser, but she’s giving me an ulcer!

Dr. B says:

There is no therapy trick for this problem. Your situation shows why hiring friends can ruin friendships. It’s the same reason that having sex with friends ruins the relationship.  Dual roles cause boundary violations. You need to be able to fire a worker and that is very difficult if they are a friend. 

You need to be honest with her and reiterate what your expectations were, but it probably won’t work out and you will end up needing to let her go. If you value the friendship more than you do your website, you can just let her lead this project, say thank you, and never hire her again afterward; two captains cannot steer one ship. You can always just scrap the project afterward if it is not to your liking, but since it’s a visible website she will know you didn’t use it. 

C says:

I see nothing wrong with hiring friends to work with you. Just about everyone I work with in the arts is a friend – but I only work with people who have a good attitude and don’t bring their egos to the job, which is why we all remain friends.

Cynthia has a crappy attitude and she has not only brought her ego to the job, she is bulldozing you with it. This is garbage behavior and if you value the friendship, the very worst thing you could do would be to let her think she’s in control, then never hire her again. 

Her issues are going to drive other clients away too; for any freelancer, a bad attitude is a career killer. The world has changed since the old agency days when account executives and their skilled, fast-talking creative teams ruled the commercial world. Designers got away with eccentric and egotistical antics because the PR people ran interference for them. But while ads are still plastered all over the media, the attitude of the average business owner has changed. 

There are more small self-made businesses on the internet and most owners do not want a freelancer coming in and telling them how to represent themselves. What they really want is a good technician who knows how to listen and perhaps enhance their concept. 

The only way to handle Cynthia is to be honest. However, not all honesty is created equal, and there is in fact a trick to it: lead with a positive. 

Here’s what NOT to say: “Cynthia, you are so freakin’ bossy you make me want to vomit. Get out. I’ll never hire you again.” It may be true, but it’s really mean, and it helps no one.

Instead, try: “Cynthia, you are an excellent designer and I have always admired the work you did with the agency. But this is my business and I have a very clear vision of the image I want to project. I need you to respect that or we can’t work together.”

People seldom tell each other uncomfortable truths – they just walk away. Only a real friend has the guts to be both honest and kind. If Cynthia wants to get her life back together it’s the greatest favor you could do.

– Cathren Housley 

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

Dear C and Dr. B:

Liam and I have been going out for about a year. We’re both people who have good jobs – as far as recreational habits, we are both very moderate social drinkers. Every once in a while, Liam would have a joint and we might share it after the car was parked for the night. While we were dating, we had a really great thing – I can be kind of hyper and oversensitive and he is a lot more easygoing. We balanced each other out. So we decided to move in together.

This was when I learned that Liam smoked pot more than I realized. In fact, the easygoing part of him owed a lot to cannabis. When I brought up my concern, he told me he had a medical need for it, but he doesn’t have a medical marijuana license! He buys from a guy he’s known since high school, so he says it’s OK.

I have to admit this makes me sort of nervous. But am I overreacting? Like I said, I tend to overreact to a lot of stuff.       

-Disturbed Debra

Dr B says:

Liam’s laid back calm exterior, which can seem very attractive, is not a skill-based phenomena. It is a pharmaceutical one, and that is a serious red flag. What it most often means is that internally, a person is a larger mess, and that behavior will eventually surface. Marijuana can be used like alcohol or Xanax to suppress anxiety and caring enough to live in the moment and kick things down the line. But suppressing emotions never works for long. 

A good question to ask yourself is whether your self doubt is entirely your own stuff. Is Liam emotionally present in your relationship? Mood-suppressing substances such as pot can cause people to replace emotional presence with passive aggressive tactics such as gaslighting. I admit that this is not necessarily true for people who use occasionally, or for those using medical marijuana for real medical issues. But any use of a substance in place of dealing with things here and now will become a serious problem eventually. 

If you don’t like things now, it won’t get better later. No one can change, mature, or grow, for another person. Liam has to want to grow for himself. A relationship is only as good as the skill set both parties bring to the table. If you need to learn skills in being calm and more objective, take some dialectic behavioral therapy classes. 

If you don’t have personal clarity you won’t be able to evaluate others well. What people say, and who they really are, are very often out of sync. 

C says:

Let’s not point the finger at Liam just because he’s an obvious target. You’ve got a habit of your own, Debra. You’ve been depending on Liam to diffuse you just as much as he’s been depending on pot to diffuse him. It’s hard to say which habit is worse. If your relationship doesn’t work out, Liam can take his stash with him. But where does that leave you? Looking for another laid back guy to balance you off? 

I think that you and Liam have an equal chance of getting your shit together. It all depends on whether both of you are willing to take an honest look at what’s going on. 

First, Liam has to wake up to some facts. If he does have a medical condition, he should not be treating himself with illegal street drugs, he should get a doctor’s diagnosis and a medical marijuana license. His dealer may be a reliable friend, but his pot is questionable. At RI compassion centers, each product is clearly labeled with source, genetics, and precise CBD and THC levels. If Liam is actually serious about controlling a health problem, then getting a clear diagnosis and targeted dosage is the way to go. 

Of course, Liam may just want to stay baked and avoid reality – but considering he’s not a problem drinker, that is not a foregone conclusion. People who abuse substances tend to abuse alcohol as well.

 As for you, Debra, you need something other than Liam to diffuse your hyperactive nerves. Therapy, meditation, martial arts, yoga, community service, or exercise are all remarkably helpful, but these are tools which require personal effort. Effort is an important part of real change. Be wary of doctors who suggest Xanax or antidepressants. These are drugs which have their own ability to generate a false laid back approach to life.

The bottom line is this: can you and Liam support each other, grow, and become the best you both can be? Or are you just embroiled in a recreational relationship that encourages weakness and co-dependence? At this point, you don’t know. It’s time to find out.

– Cathren Housley 

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

In 1996, California passed the Compassionate Use Act, legalizing the medical use of marijuana. Since then, 37 other states, including RI, have followed suit; only six states continue to fully criminalize it. Many medical doctors still insist that pot is a dangerous gateway drug with no real medical value, but there is growing evidence which is now proving them wrong.

There is no need to convince Juan Verde. This educated man has done very well professionally and leads a full, productive life – family and grandchildren, friends and adventures. He has also been living with MS for over 30 years, and he has a deep conviction in the health benefits of cannabis.

“I see marijuana as a gift,” Verde told Motif. “I honestly believe that this plant switches on our body’s ability to heal itself.” 

Today, there is scientific research which supports this theory. Humans have been using cannabis for medical purposes for over 5,000 years; science finally caught up in the early 1990’s, when the endocannabinoid system (ECS) was discovered. Studies revealed that it plays a major role in regulating sleep, mood, appetite, memory, reproduction and fertility.

Exactly what is the ECS? It is a vast network of cellular receptors and chemical signals that occur throughout our brains and bodies. Even non-cannabis users have them. In fact, the cannabinoid receptors in our brains far outnumber many of the other receptor types, and they control the levels and activity of most of the other neurotransmitters. This discovery piqued the interest of researchers – for therein lies tremendous medical potential for new ways of treating conditions which are resistant to pharmaceutical and surgical methods. 

Verde was in CA when the first laws were passed allowing medical marijuana. “It was because of AIDS,” he told us. Doctors noticed that this plant could help patients who were wasting away; this realization opened the door to a new world of medical possibilities. 

In CA, a patient can walk into a compassion center and get a consultation, individualized recommendation, physician’s referral and medical license for only $25. In RI, the same service costs $250 if your own doctor won’t do it. The reason? Recreational marijuana is still not legal here, whereas in CA, cannabis is a thriving and fully legal industry. 

Verde was first diagnosed with MS when in his 30’s. Initially, he tried to follow the medical treatments his doctor prescribed. He injected himself three times daily with Rebif, but the day after every injection he felt awful – it left him sweating, nauseous and tired, and the injection sites developed inflammation. Over time, the symptoms persisted, but the doctor insisted that these were just normal side effects. Finally, Verde asked “So, what is this drug doing for me, exactly?” When his doctor admitted it might only slow the progression of the disease, Verde considered the $400 a month it was costing him and the damage they’d advised it could do to his kidneys – and he made a decision. He returned to self-medicating with cannabis and has never regretted it.

Has Verde ever tried the medically approved synthetic form of THC, Marinol? He said that he got a prescription when he had to travel to India for some time on business and didn’t want to risk taking cannabis. Did it work? “It just kind of made me sick to my stomach,” he told us. “I never felt good.” Just the co-pay for the bottle of 20 pills was $300. 

By now, the score was settled: cannabis – 2; pharmaceuticals – 0

Verde had been using marijuana for many years, before his diagnosis. Looking back, he also realized he’d had low grade symptoms that came and went years before he knew he had MS. We asked if he thought he had been using cannabis medically all along. Verde said, “I don’t think there’s a difference. I think that if you’re using it as an adult, then you’re probably using it medically. It works for you in some way. It’s beneficial … or you wouldn’t do it.” He readily acknowledges that there are people who just like to get high. But over the years, he has noticed a distinct trend: “Most of my friends who used to smoke just naturally tapered off their usage over the years. If you don’t need it, your body doesn’t want it.”

Today, Verde’s health is holding steady, as is his quality of life. He is an avid musician, he travels, enjoys social events, and is generous with both his time and resources. “I feel my entire point of being on the earth is to help connect and support other people,” he told us. We asked where he thought he’d be if he had stayed on his doctor’s program. Verde laughed. “I’m pretty sure I’d be dead from kidney or liver failure by now.”

“Cannabis, for me, has been the best medicine I could possibly have found for MS.”

Dear C and Dr. B:

My amazing veterinarian of 10 years committed suicide. He was the nicest guy and married with two small children. I just don’t get it.  

When I hear of a suicide, it usually seems obvious why the person did it – they were living with a situation that felt hopeless or fatal – but I can’t understand why my vet did it. He seemed like a very together guy, he was so good with the animals… and then I hear that he is gone.

I know he mentioned feeling workplace burnout, but to KILL himself? I am trying to make sense of it, but I just can’t. How can anyone know when a friend, colleague, or family member is in the danger zone? If my vet could do it, we are all in trouble.

 Dr. B says:

I’m so sorry. Suicide negatively affects everyone whom the person touched. No one can tell what another person’s story is – we can’t read each other’s minds. But there are certain trends.

The symptoms of burnout are endemic these days. Chronic fatigue, misplaced anger, and a sense of meaninglessness can lead to anyone seeing themself as a failure. But suicide is another step beyond burnout. 

I believe that feeling trapped is the route to both suicide and burnout. People are caught between their personal expectations and our very real external limitations. The pressures that administrators, parents, boards, clients and customers put on us are killing free will. Others tell us how, when, and where, leaving no room for creativity, joy, or a sense of accomplishment. 

It is a shock when the innocent enthusiasm of youth meets the reality of a system that resists personal expression and a search for meaning – or, worse, punishes you for trying. Healthcare workers are very susceptible to this in our litigious culture. Suicide comes when a person internalizes these conflicts and self-blames: “It’s me, not the impossible system – I am a failure.”

We may be taught that there is a single Truth, but when we try to live by it we are destined to fail. Every individual has their own truth. There is no one single Truth. Human reality is imperfect, all human systems are imperfect, and any human endeavor becomes absurd when examined closely.  

No one owns your soul but you. You can pick and choose what is important and meaningful to you and chuck the rest. This is exactly what therapy is intended for. Unfortunately, supportive therapy, which boils down to passive listening, has become favored by insurance companies because it is cheap and short-term. But this is just enabling and doesn’t lead to understanding or change.  

Everyone has to create meaning in their own life. We can’t base our lives on pleasing or satisfying other people’s expectations. We need to allow ourselves to do what we can without expecting perfection or even completion. 

We shouldn’t blame ourselves for the craziness we didn’t create. It’s better to focus on the things that bring joy to our life. That’s what makes life worth living.

C says:

Some suicides come as no surprise. But a lot of them throw everyone for a loop because no one even knew those who died were unhappy. I think that those who proclaim their unhappiness the loudest are seldom the ones who do themselves in. The most desperate people leave far fewer clues because they are not capable of reaching out when they need help. In this country, we do not encourage men to need or to cry. Maybe we should.

• In the US, the rate of suicide is highest in middle-aged white men

• In 2020, men had a suicide rate 3.8 times higher than women

• 52.8% of those deaths are by firearm

No disrespect to 2nd Amendment advocates, but that’s a lot of the gun-toting middle-aged white men who might have been better off without guns.

The world is in shock when celebrities kill themselves – Robin Williams; Anthony Bourdain, a larger-than-life globe-trotting chef and cynic; Kate Spade, a wildly successful designer; Marilyn Monroe, Kurt Cobain, Ernest Hemingway… it is a long list. They seemed to have it all – talent, fame, and adoring fans. But we forget that they also had publicists, whose sole job was to maintain the image of those very profitable cash cows.

Every sentient being on Earth is suffering. We forget that, absorbed as we are in our own lives and personal dramas, but the way that we treat each other can be more important than we realize. We are more than the sum of our texts and emojis. If you cut us, we bleed. Our feelings matter.

Wise words from the Dalai Lama: “Be kind whenever it is possible. It is always possible.”

– Cathren Housley 

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com