Author: Cathren Housley

Dear C and Dr. B,

I am a therapist at a busy community health center and I am unsure how to think about one client who was in her 20’s. She told me she was going to commit suicide by contracting COVID. She said she would carry this out by not getting vaccinated and refusing to wear a mask. This puts me in a difficult position. I don’t believe I could have her committed for being suicidal because what she described would be very unlikely to actually kill her. She is more of a danger to others than she is to herself. I’m not sure how to handle it – her threat seemed more oppositional and childish than anything else.       

– Mary Magda Lynn

Dr. B says:

You are most likely correct about your client’s behavior – what you describe is consistent with borderline personality disorder. Those with this disorder have difficulty understanding social rules and social reciprocity. These are people who tend to create chaos and suffering in others. They also tend to see the world as very black or white and see themselves being at the center of all things.  “All people are bad to me…you destroyed my life…the world would be better off without me.“ Essentially they are arrested at age 12 to 14 forever. They think in terms of and react to things only in extremes. Jumping to suicide is a typical and acceptable solution to most problems for them as it is superficial, impulsive, and always the most extreme option. Such people have no capability for subtlety or patience; it’s the way they play the game of life.

Your client’s threat of suicide is an attempt to make COVID all about herself. Statistically, hospitalization doesn’t do a lot for personality disorders, nor does medication. Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy which may produce better results. Motivational interviewing is another possible technique. Group therapy with a leader who is skilled in this area offers some promise as well. 

Our culture at this point in time is very Me-oriented, which is similar in many ways to your client’s way of thinking. COVID is a communal and global problem, but many Americans focus instead on their personal right to freedom and choice. This is making it virtually impossible to fight this pandemic.   

C says: 

I’m probably not the person to ask for advice on this subject. As a member of the creative community, I have been exposed to far too many people with similar personalities and I’ve lost tolerance. At this point I believe that the best thing to do with such people is to ignore them. They are utterly incapable of change and will make you feel like you are going crazy if you even attempt to have a reasonable conversation with them. All they will do is keep turning the subject back to themselves.

Here’s how I suggest that you handle your client – foist her off on someone you dislike immensely. If you can’t do that, then wear invisible ear plugs and hum quietly to yourself whenever she starts speaking. Just make sure you can tell when she stops. She will throw a fit if she thinks you aren’t paying attention.

It’s too bad you can’t tell her that there are far more reliable ways to kill herself but I doubt if advice on effective suicide methods is approved by the medical board. I’d suggest you turn her in to the Stupid Police, but we’ve yet to establish that agency. Unfortunately, her crazed intentions are not reportable. Even though she’d endanger vulnerable citizens if she managed to catch COVID and spread it around, she’d have to be making threats against a specific person in order to merit criminal charges. You probably can’t violate her privacy by warning others to keep their distance, but make sure that you wear full protective gear if she ever enters your office.

– Cathren Housley 

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

Dear C and Dr. B:

My sister is an inflexible person and she flies off the handle if we are discussing a topic and I don’t agree with her. She tends to have very negative opinions based on her own social prejudices, like, “EVERYONE on unemployment now is just a lazy freeloader, there’s tons of jobs.” If I try to offer perspective, she always ends up getting angry and yelling. 

I used to get angry back, but I have been making an effort to remain calm instead. I thought this would make things better, but it is weirdly backfiring – the calmer I am, the nastier she gets. She’ll end up calling me a bitch and accusing me of acting superior. 

I guess that when I deliberately control my anger and remain calm when I really feel like slamming her head into a wall, I am in fact acting. But what am I supposed to do? I’m getting sick of constantly placating her to keep the peace, and I refuse to engage in a fight.    – Not Mother Teresa

Dr. B says: You can’t reason with an unreasonable person.  It isn’t about the information for her, it’s about the emotion, so you aren’t ever having the same conversation anyway. She may communicate via intense emotion but it will only ruin your own health to try to meet her there. It is better to have other people in your life you can communicate with on a reasonable level. Inflexibility can be deadly – I have some clients dying at this very moment because they refused to get vaccinated. No amount of reasoning or scientific data could overcome the emotional hold that Fox News and the Conservative media had on them.

If you want to keep up with your sister’s life you can just let her talk, but you will get emotions, not a data narrative, so you will need ask others to tell you what’s really going on. It is probably unrealistic, but conversations with this type of person would work better in song. Music is emotional and doesn’t need to be data driven.

There is no need to argue with her, certainly no need to “educate her.” There are now places you can go to either throw paint, break things, or even shoot stuff. These might be good family activities for you both.

C says: I too have an inflexible sister. She’s bipolar and a paranoid schizophrenic as well, and she’s nearly impossible to deal with. I’m not sure how extreme your sister’s reactions are, but with mine, If you push the wrong button, she practically froths at the mouth. When we’re in the same room I feel like I am trapped with a rabid animal. I do my best to never let her in my house.

I used to try very hard to be the better person and yield to her idiosyncrasies because I felt sorry for her. After all, she is a lonely old cat lady, living in a one room apartment in NYC. But I finally realized something – she’s alone because she’s a nasty, critical bitch, and trying to be nice when she’s mean as a snake doesn’t change anything. She will still seize any opportunity to jump all over me and criticize. She’s a bully. Your sister is a bully too, and letting her have her way to keep the peace only convinces her that being a bully is the best way to win. 

Life is too short. From now on, keep conversations on the phone, and tell her that if she starts yelling, you’re hanging up. Just say NO. Don’t try to reach her with music, don’t placate her, don’t let her get to you. Nothing will make her change if she doesn’t want to. Simply tell her that you don’t want to get yelled at every time your opinions differ, and if she keeps it up, you two won’t be talking anymore. Just because she’s your sister, it doesn’t mean you have to be friends. Would you put up with this crap from a friend? Don’t put up with it from her.

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com

Dear C and Dr. B:

I am 26 and my girlfriend and I were talking marriage. I love her very much but there’s one problem: children. She wants them; I do not. I cannot conceive of still being alive to watch them suffer – science predicts that the world as we know it will not be recognizable 50 years from now due to climate change. Why would I bring someone into that suffering? – Suffering Sam

Dr. B says: I can guarantee the future holds war, pestilence, famine, flood, earthquake, hurricane, fire, and volcanoes. These conditions have always been, and will always be. This doesn’t mean that what’s happening globally will affect every person alive the same way.  What science also shows is that early on, climate change will mostly affect the poor and marginalized based on how we structure our society. I assume if you are reading this that you and your kids will not be either.  I do not recommend your kids buy waterfront property in Rhode Island (or possibly live in Rhode Island at all) but there will be plenty of waterfront property available inland. There are maps to show where that will be. People just need to build in concrete for the impending hurricanes. 

Probably, your reasons for not having kids because of impending future disasters or over population is actually a rationalization. Possibly, you just don’t want to have kids. If you have made up your mind, then don’t get married to someone who wants kids. It won’t be fun. I don’t believe anyone is worth that kind of sacrifice. 

If your desire truly is to help climate and overpopulation, a better solution is adoption – sharing your abundance and privilege, changing someone else’s life projection. This could be your most powerful contribution.

 C says: What I’m hearing, Sam, is that you’re eminently unsuitable for parenthood. Raising kids takes awareness, optimism, and an ability to roll with the punches. You seem like a pretty anxious guy, full of pessimism and uncertainty. It would probably not be a good idea for you to adopt either. Adopted kids bring all the same problems that having your own child would.

If people actually ever knew for certain what the future held, things would play out very differently. But as John Lennon so aptly put it: “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

The idea that future life will hold nothing but suffering is just that – an idea. People have been predicting the end of the world for centuries. Yes, the environment is in peril. But if people don’t decide that climate change is a lost cause, we might find a way to stop it in its tracks. Nothing is possible if we give up and live as if the suffering is inevitable. 

Good things, better things, might be possible in the future too. When I was a kid, we only had black and white TV and no one knew what a computer was. In less than one lifetime, so much has changed. It is entirely possible that one of our future kids might find or see something new that our limited brains in 2021 can’t conceive of.

But there is one undeniable fact which is reason enough not to have children: overpopulation. There are too many humans on earth and not enough resources to take care of them all. There is no reason for anyone who does not want children to have them. 

As far as I can see, the only reason to have children is because you want a family. Many parents feel that children and grandchildren give meaning and purpose to what they do. They see family as their greatest asset and only future. Be honest with your girlfriend. She deserves a partner who wants that too. You are doing her no favors by locking a ball and chain onto her ovaries.

If all children were wanted and loved, we all might have a better future.

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com